C'est fini

I have been thinking these last few days. I've been driving a lot, so I've had a lot of time to think.

And here is what I've decided: it's time to say good bye to this blog.

My reasons are many. The biggest reason is that this is no longer a safe place for me. It used to be safe. Then a little more than a year ago, it became really unsafe. (And really, I did all I could to keep it safe.) And even though I've kept it up for a while, I am getting tired of it. It hasn't been easy. But I've done fairly well. I've kept many of my thoughts to myself, and really, this past year would have been a great time for me to have a safe blog to come to. I could have used it.

If you don't know how it became unsafe, feel free to go into my archives to about a year ago. Check out the comments on some of the posts. You're welcome to go even further and read about my frustrations, my attempts to understand, and ultimately my shock at how a father treats his son (and his wife) when we don't solve his problems for him. And I shared those things on this blog because I believed that it was safe. I like to write in my journal, and I did write pages and pages, but some days I just did not have that kind of time. I can type much faster than I can write, so many times my anger, frustrations, and venting, all came here. There were times that what I wrote may not have been appropriate. But, it is done, and I can't change it.

I have learned quite a bit from this experience. Next time I have a blog, it will be anonymous. Also, I've learned that doing the Christ like thing is to allow people to have the consequences of their choices. Christ didn't solve every one's problems. He didn't make them go away. I mean, the only way we learn and grow, is to have the natural consequences. Even a little baby gets that. They bump their heads enough times on a coffee table, they start to figure things out. Another thing I have learned is that when I clearly define my boundaries, I am much happier.

So good bye blog friends. It was a nice time.

{if you would like to follow me if/when i set up another blog, please leave me a comment with your email address and i can send you a link. comments will be moderated and not posted so your email will be safe. thanks}

Dum dum da dum

So, it's a Friday night, and like always, I'm at home watching TV. I scroll through the shows that are on, and the only thing that I can handle is Say Yes to the Dress. So, I start watching. And what do I start thinking about? My own wedding.

Back then, I could have cared less about so many little details. But before we get to what I wasn't so fond of, here are a few things that I loved:

I loved loved loved my flowers. A lady at church did them. They were awesome. They were perfect. Another great part of them was that my mother in law offered to pay for them. Totally unexpectedly, so that was very nice.

I LOVED my centerpieces. I wanted a beachy theme, and these fit in perfectly. I saw the idea in some wedding magazine that I can't remember. I happened to work for an industrial sales company at the time, and I ordered my galvanized buckets and my sand from them. And then the owner wouldn't let me pay for them. My mom and I searched high and low for these thin taper candles. She finally found them at some little shop in Dana Point.

I really liked my dress. My mom made it, and put on the beading. At first, I didn't want a veil, but I gave in. I found my tiara myself.

(Not the best scan.)
And yes, I did wear flip flops. I did my best to find some sparkly ones, but because I have giant feet, it was pretty tricky. So, I found these ones and sat and glued sequins on them. I didn't want to wear high shoes. Not to mention we got married in the summer in Southern California....yeah, hot. (And in a lot of my pictures, I find that my posture wasn't all the great. Why didn't someone tell me to stand up straight???)



My mom made the cake. The shells are all chocolate, and the sand is light and dark brown sugar. The topper was the Los Angeles temple, which I think I would have changed. My mom had suggested it, and not having any better ideas, we just went with it.

Other things that I liked: I love Jelly Bellys, and we had bowls of them everywhere. Because it was so hot, we had my aunt and uncle bring their snow cone supplies and we had snow cones. I think they were a big hit! I know it sounds funny, but when it's 90 degrees outside.....cake just doesn't cut it. Something that I didn't appreciate at the moment, mostly because of how it was handled, but ended up being glad that I had, was the photographer situation. I had gotten a photographer. My mother in law had mentioned that her niece was a photographer too. This niece lived in Georgia. I think. Anyway, I then said that I already had one. Well, they ended up flying her out anyway. And I had no idea until that day. Which kind of ticked me off a bit. Hello, it is my wedding! Now, almost 9 years later, I am glad I had both photographers there. They both had their different skills, and each got things that the other didn't get.

There are quite a few things I would change. First, our announcements. And, our engagement pictures. There wasn't anything wrong with them at all. We didn't have a ton of money to spend, and they worked. If it were now, I would have hired a professional photographer and would have ordered our announcements instead of piecing them together ourselves.

I would not have had any bridesmaids. Less stress. Less money. Less flowers. Less. And less is always more. And if we didn't have any bridesmaids, no groomsmen. Again, less.

I would not have had a receiving line. Such a waste of time.

I would have had dancing. I don't know how we would have done that in my parents backyard, but I would have made it happen.

I also would have been a little more involved with things rather than leaving a lot of the details to my mom. I was working full time at the time, and teaching piano lessons. I had come home from my mission to France only a few months before and was kind of oblivious to a lot of things.

It was fun to get out these pictures. I haven't looked at them for a long time.

So, what about yours? What would you change? What would you keep the same??

Protecting myself

I know we've all heard the phrase "that which does not kill you makes you stronger". In high school, I thought it was funny. I don't think I really understood it.

I have found that phrase to be very true. I went on a mission for my church. There were days that I thought I would not survive it. When I thought I would lose my mind because of one crazy companion. Or that I could not handle anymore rain. Or having to deal with elders (male missionaries) that thought they were superior to me and would try to walk all over me just because they had the priesthood and I didn't. Or even because they were male. I mean, seriously.

Anyway.......

The point of all that was to say that I survived all of it, and it made me stronger. I've gone through many other things since then that have also strengthened me.

In that last few years, I feel like I've had darts being thrown at me. Darts full of poison, meant to disable me completely so that I would be under the dart throwers control. The first few don't really hurt. You don't even know what the heck is going on. And then the tenth, and then the twentieth hit. And you start to realize what is going on.

Well, once I realized those darts were hitting me, I started pulling them out. I had to duck and dodge other darts that were coming at me while I was pulling these other ones out. It wasn't easy. Sometimes I wanted to give up, but I kept plugging away. Once I got all of them out, I put on some body armor. I was only able to put on a piece at a time. Sometimes I would still get hit with a dart. Eventually I got the whole body armor on.

The darts keep coming. I'm pretty sure they will never stop. What the thrower of the darts doesn't understand, and will probably never get, is that I have body armor on. I am protected. I know what those darts are full of, and there is no way that any of them will ever get me again. Never ever. And the crazy part is, the body armor is getting stronger. It's almost got it's own force field on top of the body armor. The longer I have it on, the stronger it gets, and soon, the darts don't even come anywhere near me. I can still see them. I remember what it was like to get hit by them. But I'm stronger now. They can't hurt me anymore. The body armor allows me to walk away, with my back to the dart thrower. Because even though there are still darts coming at me, they don't even matter. There are other battles for me to fight, more important battles, using this new amazing body armor that I have on.

(Do you like my metaphor? I kind of dig it.)

Ache

I am absolutely aching to do something. Aching.

But every part of me that is working so hard on achieving more self control is telling me NO!! Don't do it!

Trying so hard to listen. Trying to find other ways to channel this energy. Trying to not give in to this almost overwhelming desire to give in. Ugh.

Thank goodness for my appointment tomorrow.

I want to dance for joy!!!

Why?? Because it is finally JUNE!!! Which means summer. Which means sun. Warmth.

June also means a few other happy things.

~Schools out for the summer!! (anyone else sing that in their head?? I always get flashbacks to watching my husband play guitar hero world tour on the Wii.) Getting up early is not my favorite thing to do. Nor do I enjoy pushing him to get his homework done, working on our spelling words or getting his reading done. While we will still be reading (have you heard about Borders reading program this summer?? Read 10 books, bring in your list, and get a free book!! Yay!! Free books are always awesome!!)(ok, just spent way too much time looking for a link. I think you should just check your local Borders.) it won't be as torturous for the both of us.

~Like I said already, the sun comes out and it is supposed to be summer. At least in the parts of the world that are closer to the equator. It is slightly warmer here, with less downpours of rain. But instead of downpours, there are days where it just sort of drips from the sky. Which is slightly better than before.

~But on the horizon is a trip to the sun!!! There was a big family event that was supposed to happen this month but things have changed. That family event isn't going to happen, but I will be going to a few other family events. I think all six of us kids will be together for the first time since my grandfather died a little over three years ago. I will get to hang out with my sisters and brothers, my kids get to be with their aunts, uncles and cousins, grandma's and grandpa (not to mention the multitude of cousins and aunts and uncles that I have). We'll get to see old friends, eat my favorite food (In-n-out, El Pollo Loco, Baja Fresh, and La Tolteca here I come!!) A stop at our favorite (and the cheapest one we've found) health food store. And one of the most glorious things of all is having stores around the corner and down the street rather than driving twenty minutes through the forest just to get to the closest Target. Oh and the BEACH!! A real one, with waves, wind, and warm sun. No smelly Puget Sound water that just sits there. (Although at some times of the year is quite nice and beautiful. Guess I'm not a Puget Sound kind of girl.)

~Did I mention the sun?

~This month, something has finished. And boy does it feel good that it is done.

~We are getting even closer to the end of this deployment!! Hooray! Between our road trip, plus a few visits from friends and family, the time will go by quickly, and he'll be home. And then lots of family time for us!!

So, June means a lot for me. Anyone else happy it's summer???

What are you doing?

Today is Memorial Day. What are you doing to remember those that have gone?

Go to Cnn.com and search "honoring the fallen" and watch soldiers place flags at every headstone in Arlington Cemetery. Watch the National Memorial Day Concert on your local PBS station. Go buy flags or flowers and go to your local cemetery and find those headstones that look a little lonely, that haven't had any love, and leave something there. Or go here and see the faces of those that have died in Iraq and Afghanistan. I found one there, that I kind of knew. His name was Duncan. His mom called me when I was the Relief Society president in San Antonio. His wounds were terrible. His very young wife was also there.

Two years ago, when we were at Fort Bragg, we spent the day with some friends. We went and got some flowers and went to the Fayetteville cemetery and laid flowers. There were many confederate flags, there were even some grave stones from the 1700's. It was a great experience. All my family would do on Memorial Day weekend was go camping. I would like to teach my children the real reason they get a few days off of school, and that dads and moms get days off.

Enjoy your day.

Almost done

Lots of times on facebook, I read about wives who are expressing sadness and a little desperation when they talk about how their husband is leaving for a few days. Or maybe a week or two. Or that the wives are leaving, and how much they will miss their husband.

On good days, I can just scroll right past it and not let it bother me. On OK days, it bothers me, but I can still scroll past it, and I can let it go. On bad days, it is all I can do to not leave a comment that says something like "cry me a river" or "suck it up". Or something even more unkind like "well, if he's not in a war zone, I'm sure it will all be fine".

I try so hard to realize that these people have never experienced anything like what I am going through. I also try to remember that we are all so different, with our own different challenges and personal struggles. Not to mention that facebook is such a teeny tiny part of that persons life or day.

Right now, I can see the light at the end of this year long tunnel. Every day it gets brighter. My worry is no longer "if I can make it through the year" but "I hope I don't kill him during the transition". In talking to the woman in charge of our Battalions FRG leaders (which from now on I am just going to call our FRSA) she says that there are studies that have been done that say that the transition after deployment is actually more difficult than deployment. It was hard last year after he had only been away from us for four months. I can only imagine how fun it is going to be this time around......

But regardless, it will be so great to have him home. My kids need their dad. And, I'm going to be honest here, I need my husband. It is hard work being the only person to get things done. I could probably handle just the household stuff, but I have to take care of the vehicles, the yard, the house, the bills......anyway, just everything. And because I'm not superwoman, things fall through the cracks. I'm looking forward to going out with him on dates. To having someone to talk to in the evenings. To simpler things like getting to hold his hand, to reach over and touch him! Even the things that irritate me, like the noises he makes in the morning, or him leaving his bike stuff all over the place.

About a month before he left, I had somewhat of a melt down. I just laid on our bed and cried and cried. Just the thought of being alone for a year was so overwhelming to me, especially after we had only been together for a few months after he had been gone for four months. He came in and just held me and let me cry. And now, here we are...almost to the end.......thank goodness.

Sentimental over stilly stuff

When my kids were little and they grew out of their clothes, I dutifully saved all those not stained beyond recognition. I had been given hand me downs from many friends, along with generous gifts, and I knew that if I didn't use them, I could pass them along. (although I fully expected to use them again.)

Now, several years later, and several large bins full of clothes later (not to mention at least four moves) I am still holding on to some of those bins. And right now, we are still a two child family. And I am feeling very silly holding onto bins full of baby clothes, when we haven't had a baby in our house for four years. (and no sign of one)

But even thinking about actually giving them all away makes me sad. It's like I'm giving up on having any more. Or even the possibility of having more. We aren't closing the door to that part of our lives, but it seems like that door is getting close to being closed.

There is a lady at church who is expecting a baby, and I told her I would go through all my baby boy clothes and give them to her. I will keep some of the clothes, because I just couldn't get rid of all of them. But what use are they sitting in bins? Zero. If I give them to her, I will free up at least one bin, if not two, and give me a little extra space for other things. It's practical, and it needs to be done. But I am such a sentimental dork.......I just don't want to. I have to do it soon, they will be leaving.......maybe I'll do it fast, so it won't hurt as much. You know, like taking off a band aid........

Progress is progress.......I guess

For the last 19 months, I have avoided babies. I don't hold them. I don't talk about them. I was even offered point blank if I wanted to hold my cousins' baby. I was caught a little off guard, but I said no.

It has also felt as if everyone around me is pregnant, or having a baby. And it isn't just people I see at the store. These are friends, really good friends. And I get it. At my age, many of my friends are still adding to their families. And most of them are very aware of my situation. Two of them even told me before they even told their families.

After my husband left to go back to Afghanistan, and it became very obvious that I was not pregnant, it was very painful. That particular time was a very dark week.

A few weeks ago, I was at a very casual wedding reception. A woman I know from church was there, and she had recently had a baby. She was hungry, but had her arms full with her baby. And without even thinking about what I was doing, told her that I would hold him, so that she could go and get herself something to eat. Nursing mama's need to eat.:) And then I held him. It was an odd feeling. I held him until she had finished.

Today at church, a tiny baby was right in front of us. My daughter keeps telling me she wants a sister (heaven help me if we did have another girl) and I remind her that it would be a baby, not a little girl ready to play.

What does all this mean? I don't know. Maybe I am finally healing. Maybe I am..........progressing in a positive direction. I still don't want to hold babies. Or, quite honestly, have anything to do with them right now. But progress is progress.

It's Sunday Morning

And I'm waiting for my husband's connection to get back up so he can call me. While I wait, here is what I wanted to post last night, but I ended up watching La Vie en Rose.

La Vie en Rose was so so sad. Her whole life, beginning to end, was like a nightmare that sometimes you thought was going to end, but then it didn't. It makes my heart hurt for all those whose stories are similar (or worse) and never make it to a movie.

I have forgotten what it was like to have warm weather. We've had temps in the 70's these last few days, and it is amazing what that has done for me! It just proves to me that I am right to insist to my husband that where ever we end up living for the rest of our lives (hopefully, anyway) has lots of sun, warm temperatures, and not too much rain.

The eggshell situation is taken care of. It ended up being that this person knew that it was all on their end, and I didn't have to do a thing. I was prepared to do it. I even rehearsed what I was going to say. And now, all is well.

I have decided to switch all my pans to cast iron. I have used a flat round griddle and a medium sized skillet so far, and I LOVE them. They are awesome. I know I can get them from Walmart, but I know Marshalls and Ross get them in for much less. So, now I'm on the lookout for a small and large skillet and a square griddle. I might even get a dutch oven. I know, me the woman who hates camping. But you can put that baby in your oven instead of having to use coals. Extra iron in your diet sure doesn't hurt either.

Man, my husbands connection still isn't up. While I know we could have it much much worse (I'm thinking of my grandma at home while my grandpa was on the front lines in Korea and how all they could do was write letters, and got an occasional, and very rare and a very bad connection phone call) it still gets irritating. We spend a nice chunk of money to even have this connection (which many soldiers can't always afford, nor are all of them able to even have an internet connection) and it is so bad sometimes. Ok, he is back on!! Hooray! Now, this commercial break is brought to you by Skype. Greatest thing ever. Go buy webcams and download this. My kids love talking to their grandparents and aunts and uncles on it. Not to mention our good friends. Free is worth it!

I actually made dinner last night. Since he has been deployed, it has become more difficult to make real meals. When it's just you and two little kids, grilled cheese sandwiches, mac and cheese (organic of course), quesadillas, and other simple dinners have become the norm here. (even pancakes for dinner, which is their favorite!) I had mashed potatoes that I needed to use, so I looked up a few recipes for shepherds pie and did my own with the ingredients that I had. It came out pretty good, I think. My husband has changed his diet pretty drastically, so some things that I used to make he won't eat anymore, but a lot of them he still will. I have also decided to use quinoa instead of rice from now on. Tastes good, and far outweighs rice in the nutrient area. (iron, protein and omega-3's to name a few) I will have to try and get back into making real meals before he gets home. Maybe even getting him a barbecue so that he can make his favorite: salmon on the grill.

We are coming to the end of this deployment. Been looking at my calendar, and what we have going on for the next few months, and he will be home before we know it. It has not been an easy year. People outside of the military, to whom deployment is a very foreign thing, ask how we survive, how we do it. Same as everyone else, day by day. I probably should have asked for more help than I have. I think that I have to be able to do things on my own, or try to prove to people that YES I can do it without you thank you very much. Yeah, little bit of a pride issue there. I have gotten a sitter more often lately, and my neighbor (I teach her daughters piano lessons and she makes me dinner and watches my kids in exchange) is complaining that she isn't doing enough for me, and that it is becoming one-sided. Now that the sun is coming out more often, and I feel better (seriously, the sun is like my heal all. well, that and the beach.) I think I will be doing more.

I have really been trying hard to drink more water. I have a hard time drinking enough water when it is cold. Warm weather, no problem. I have managed to drink quite a bit lately, and I can feel my body feeling better. My ankle is also healed, and I am hoping to start running again. Having to take a break affected my stamina, but I managed a little more than 3 miles the other day on the elliptical, and kept my rpm's between 60 and 64 for the entire time. And I am trying to eat more protein and less sugar. If my husband, who used to eat a half gallon of ice cream in less than 24 hours and compulsively would eat candy (he really would), can stop eating all sugar and eat nothing but vegetables and protein, I should be able to do better at what I eat. I am not looking to lose weight or drastically change my body. I AM looking to feel better and be more healthy. I want to be one of those old ladies that at 78 is still active, able to take care of herself, and goes down kicking.

And lastly, I want to share this. A man after my own heart. Spelling is so important. And even WITH spell check, you need to proofread. You can be sure that I use spell check and proofread. I want people to read what I write, and not focus on incorrect spelling or poor grammar. And now I'm off to proofread this.

My mouth is too big to walk on eggshells....

So, I seem to have this gift. I say what I think. I have worked for years to install a filter between my brain and my mouth, so that those things that really shouldn't be shared stop before they come out of my mouth. Some days it is hard to keep it shut. But as I have gotten older, I have gotten much better. Only when I feel really safe (like when I'm talking to my best friend, or some other old friends that know me well) do I say what I really want to say. Or, I write it in my journal, and sometimes in the past, I have written it here.

But tonight, a sentence as innocent as a marshmallow caused someone to leave our church meeting. And looking back, I could have kept my mouth shut, and it wouldn't have been a big deal.

This could be a few things. One, maybe this person had a bad day, and that was the last straw. Two, this person could have something against me (there is a small history) and had had it with me. Three, this person is just easily offended, and anyone else could have said the same thing with the same reaction. But right now, at 11:15 as I type this, I have no idea.

I can't change anything at the moment. There have been efforts made to rectify the situation. But who knows.

I guess I have just never been taught to walk on eggshells without breaking the crap out of them. Maybe by the time I'm 80?????

What???

Just wanted to say thanks to the woman who FOLLOWED me to my destination (my friends house), WAITED for me to get out of my car, and then proceeded to YELL at me from her car telling me that I needed to slow down, that children live around there.

What did I do? Well, I got my daughter and I quickly into my friends house, because if someone is going to take the time and follow you just to yell at you who the hell knows what else they are going to do. Did I say anything? Um, no. Do I wish I had? Yes. Perhaps have given her the phone number to our local police station. Much easier to just take down my license plate number and give them a call. Or, maybe told her I would call the police myself if she was going to be crazy and follow me. Maybe I could have pointed out that I was going maybe 5-7 miles over the speed limit, that my car is a Prius and they don't exactly have much get up and go. Not to mention the fact that at 10am on a Friday, there aren't any kids out, because they are all at school.

What I should have done was take down her plate numbers and called the police telling them a strange lady followed me and yelled at me, and tried to take the law into her own hands. That would have been fun.

Seriously, who hasn't gone over the speed limit, especially when they are in a hurry???? Don't know if I chalk this up to living in a small town (which I keep getting told is SO MUCH BIGGER than it used to be. I am just a city girl at heart. I mean, when there isn't one street that has two lanes going one direction......can we say small......) or just that I happened to be in front of a crazy person.

It ends.....

Before school started, a lady at church asked if I would be interested in doing a co-op preschool for my daughter. I wasn't sure if I wanted to or not. But there was a lot of structure, and I figured that once every five weeks isn't that bad.

This is my last week. At the beginning of this, whenever it was my turn, I was so worried about it. Having six four year olds in the house, hoping to actually TEACH them something, and having everyone be happy at the end seemed overwhelming. Today, we made something for Mother's Day (which is just the worst holiday of the year, seriously.), practiced writing their whole names for Kindergarten for next year, add to that snack time, play time, story time and some running outside when the rain stopped, it went pretty well.

I have decided something though: if we have any more children, I don't think I would do this again. Have I learned from this? Yes. Have I grown? Yes. Did it save me some money from having to find a preschool for my daughter? Yes. I also got to make some good friends with the other moms, that I might not have, had we not done this. And while I do think she has benefited from doing this preschool (and I think she wishes it were every day) she probably could have learned more from teachers who actually KNOW how to teach this age group.

I will miss my break from my daughter twice a week, and boy will she miss going to preschool every week. But we're moving on to bigger and better things!!! Bring on Kindergarten!!!

Greatest tampon commercial EVER

I hate commercials. Every day I am thankful for our DVR so that I can fast forward through them. But tonight, as I was watching Glee, I saw this. I was crying I was laughing so hard. The awesomeness of this is indescribable. Enjoy.

How to suck it up Army style

I was talking to a slightly new-ish friend tonight. We hadn't talked in a while and we were catching up a bit on what was going on. And she was sharing her husbands schedule for the next year or so.

See, her husband is deployed with mine. And they also recently had their first anniversary. She is fairly new to the whole Army wife thing. His schedule for the next year is pretty hairy. Back and forth for this thing and that...she wants to bring her son to live with them, but is uncertain....doesn't understand why he wants to do this training course and this and that........pretty much the same old same old when you're in the Army. And she is frustrated, angry, and the rest of the feelings that come with that. And tonight she was sharing that with me.

I completely get it. I get the anger. I get the frustration. But being the old hat that I am (we're going on 7 years) with this Army wife thing, I am in a very different place than she is. And while I sympathized with her, and said YES! it does suck, and I'm sorry that it is frustrating for you. BUT suck it up my friend. And I tried to say it nicer than that, but it pretty much came out that way.

Because really, that is the life of the Army. They have to go. When you choose to join the Army (Or whatever other branch of the military) you have to take the good with the bad. For your regular paycheck, health care, housing allowance etc. you have to say goodbye to your husband an awful lot. More often than you want, and it sucks. But this is the life that you have. And there is little you can do to change it until your time is up.

I think my friend will get it. She is so new to this whole thing. She is still in the I'm angry phase. She will eventually move to the accepting phase, then to the I get that there is nothing I can do about it phase. It takes some time.

There are some instances where you do need to fight the All-Powerful-Army. You have to pick and choose them. So far, our fight was when my son had his surgery and the orders I got were only for me and my son to fly. Me being pregnant and fly back to the states to take my son to have head reconstruction surgery. Yeah, whatever Army. You WILL fly my husband with me. And we fought it. Our unit, seeing the wisdom in what we were doing, fully supported us, and even paid for his ticket and did everything in their power to get him there with me. It was worth it to fight it. But there are some fights that are not worth it. That is when you just suck it up and move on.

It is hard to do it. You don't want to. You want to FIGHT that All-knowing-entity that is the Army, Navy, Marines.....You cry, you yell at your husband, but it's not like he can do anything about it either. In the end, you resign yourself. And hopefully you learn from it. So that the next time a pile of crap gets dumped on you (because it will) you will know if it's time to stand up and fight, or if it's time to let out a big sigh and start looking for a new place to live, or gearing yourself up for another deployment, or......

I think it is harder for those wives that don't learn. That waste all this time in getting angry and making everyone around them unhappy, and nothing changes, nothing gets accomplished. And in the end, they wasted the time they should have spent in calling the movers, getting the house ready, and making sure your medical records go with them.

And now, since my washer stopped and I got the jeans in the dryer so that I can wake up to dry jeans (hopefully) I am going to go to bed. And get on with the resigned part of my life that is, oh, pretty much every day.

Just a few more months...(say it with me......) just a few more.........

Remember my post a while back about a new sectional? We went and looked at that one. But then we found this one.

And the ottoman of course. Both sides of the ottoman flip over and there is storage inside. I love it.


And this is my new tablecloth.

I LOVE it. love love love. I love the colors, I love the pattern. And Friday I picked up these Gerber daisy's and the colors went perfectly with my new tablecloth.

It is a little long, but now I have a tablecloth for when we use the two leaves for the table.

I think it looks awesome.

As a side note, I find myself in love with patterns and colors like this. I need curtains for our bedroom, and they need to be a solid color. But everything that catches my eye is a pattern. And my bedspread is already a pattern. Sigh. If only everything could have a pattern on it. Or maybe I should just hire an interior decorator. (HA! like that would ever happen.)

Dang it

Man. I am frustrated.

I discovered just a few days after my husband left that my left ankle is swollen. Not a ton, it isn't bruised or red or super noticeable. But it is swollen. I've iced it. I do my best to keep off of it. But how can I really stay off of it? I am the only parent, and my kids aren't old enough to get things or do things without my help.

This also means no running. Only low impact exercise. I have been working so dang hard to just run period. And now I have to wait until my ankle heals from whatever is the problem.

I haven't run since Thursday. And it is still swollen, and slightly painful. I guess I just might have to go to the doctor.

Hi

Just wanted to share this link.

And to tell you that I miss my husband.

updated: Just realized that after you read the link you might make a few conclusions about it. And just to be clear, NO that link has nothing to do with my husband other than it's connection to Afghanistan. Nothing else.

But I do still miss him.

Observations

(some will be a little lengthy. sorry.)

~After living in the civilian world for many months now, I am very aware of how different each world is. Many of my friends can just call up their husbands whenever needed. Many are able to leave, they can spend time talking to their spouse. In the military world you can't just call your spouse anytime you want. They can't always leave. Lots of times it's at the whim of their chain of command. Friends husbands would be down the street but unable to talk to their spouse for days because of the 'mission'. And then there is deployment. I have a very very small window each day that I am able to talk to my husband. And that is if it isn't raining there (because when it rains, the phones and internet stop working) and the connection is decent. And even with that I know I am one of the lucky ones. There are many husbands who can't call home every day, or won't. We usually talk on Skype, which has been awesome. But even using that, we still have to pay up to $100 a month just for him to have his internet connection. Some soldiers can't afford that. Morale calls are limited in time, and will cut you off mid sentence if you aren't listening for the beep. It is especially difficult when there is a big decision to be made. For this girl who loves communication, not being able to do it when I want to is difficult.

~R&R felt like a fairy tale. In fact, my husband was the one that brought that up. He said that midnight had to come, and everything had to go back to the way it was eventually. Saying goodbye this time seemed so difficult. I was very emotional, and he couldn't understand why. Heck, I didn't even know. It could have been hormones. But now I think it was something else. In the many months since he has been gone, I've gotten into a groove. We have a schedule, I had gotten to a place where I had put those feelings in a box and was in Just Function mode. And even though I daydream about what having him home would be like, I had forgotten it a little. Ok, a lot. Having him home threw all that off. All those feelings, emotions were all there, out of the box and making me Feel things. I mean, just the fact that I could reach over and hold his hand was amazing. Our nightly routine of foot rubs (for me) and back rubs (for him) started right up again. I got this for such a short time. And then it left. And I think that is what I was so upset about. It's been a few days and I still feel like I am recovering.

~I am a sentimental dork. My husband will be back in just a few more months. But I don't want to take his towel down. I don't want to take the clothes he put near his sink and put them in the laundry. I want to sleep on his pillow instead of mine. I even want to leave out a cup he used for water instead of put it in the dishwasher. Is this normal? I don't even know. I feel like an idiot for even admitting it here.

~I have been going to the gym a lot. I have been able to run 2.5 miles in 30 minutes!! While there was walking in there, I am pretty darn proud of myself. I still don't enjoy running. My chest hurts, my mouth gets this weird stuff in it, and I feel like my legs are so obviously overly long. But I love how my muscles feel from my hip down my leg. My husband suggested running on my toes, and when I get into a good groove, I feel like a gazelle. I have also gained half an inch on my toothpick like arms. After six months of going to the gym regularly, I don't have too much to show for it if you're just looking at me. But when I have to run or I take the kids out on their bikes, my stamina has improved a lot. I can do push ups without feeling like I'm going to die. Plus, I've made new friends there. And when you move a lot like me, you can use all the friends you can get.

~Since we've been in the Army, I have learned that deployments can make or break a soldier. It can also make or break the spouse too. So far, it is making, not breaking, my soldier. While many of the reasons are very personal, he has a clearer perspective about many things. His communication (well, at least to me) has improved. Deployment sucks at so many different levels (Like when kids are sick, or when on Saturday night your smoke alarm starts making noise and you can't just run out and pick up a 9 volt battery before Sunday because you can't leave your kids at home alone so you just suffer through it until you post something about it on facebook and a nice neighbor brings you a battery Sunday afternoon. But it would have been nice to have been able to run to the store really quick that Saturday night.) but it is worth all this pain and difficulty if it makes us both grow as people and grow as a couple. Just a few more months......

~My head hurts. Listening to Diane Reim(s?) on NPR late at night is not advisable when you have a headache.

Free

It seems, these last few months, that my comments have slowly been dwindling.

I used to live for comments, and any comment would be so exciting. I would hope for comments, and would be a little bit disappointed when some of my posts wouldn't receive any.

Normally the whole purpose of a blog, while it is to share your thoughts with whoever reads your blog, is for the comments. We crave recognition for our thoughts and feelings, and comments give us an ego boost.

In the last little while I have gotten very, very few comments. And at first I thought I would feel let down, or sad. I feel exactly the opposite! I feel free. Free to say what I like without anyone telling me I'm wrong or right. Without comments I feel less restricted in what I say. And maybe that is a bad thing. But oh well.

This is still my blog, my little space for my thoughts, whatever they might be. And of course you are still welcome to leave comments. I am hoping that with this new freedom I feel, I might post a little more. It will be nice to have this outlet again for discussing how I feel. We'll see how it goes........

Crap

Today, it sucks. It just does.

These last two weeks were my husbands R&R. Which means that for just over two weeks, he got to come home and be with his family. We purposely scheduled it towards the end, because we knew it would make it a little easier because we only have a few months left.

Yeah, that is a bunch of crap.

Well, slightly. As I drove home from the airport this morning, I realized that I am going to have keep telling myself over and over again 'just a few more months' and then eventually I will start to believe it.

I have plenty of things lined up to keep us busy. Two trips up to Seattle before the end of the month, a trip to Portland at the end of next month. A big trip home for my brothers wedding. And then a friend might be coming up here right before he gets home for good.

While he was here, we did some pretty fun stuff. We took the kids to the science museum in Seattle that we have a pass to. We went to the inside pools on post and he and the kids went swimming. We got two nights out alone, plus an entire day that we went to the temple. The kids first soccer games were this week, and he got to watch them. He got to use his electric razor and got to sleep in a comfortable bed. Eat fresh food, and ride his bike.

Overall, it was a good thing. My kids were ecstatic to have their dad home. He took them out so they could ride their bikes. Oh how they NEEDED this. I needed this.

I think I should start a countdown calendar.

And now I am going to take a nap. Being up at 4am is never fun. Especially on a day like this.

Some things I like

I know I have talked here about how much I love etsy. Thought I would share some of my favorite things I have found on there.

I found these Welcome to Relief Society cards that I thought were pretty awesome. When I was 18, and going into RS, having a card like this would have gone a long way to helping me feel like I fit in a little bit more. If I am ever in the Relief Society presidency again, I will be getting these cards to give to the girls coming out of Young Womens. (my favorite part is what it says on the inside.)

I love this necklace. I don't even wear all that much jewelry. But it is so simple, I would probably actually wear this.

I love these cards. I have often thought of sending one to my husband, but he wouldn't think it is as cute as I do. So it would pretty much be wasted. But I still like it.

Ok, now these next two necklaces I would probably never ever wear. I have nothing that would go with them. I don't even have a good reason to want them. I just love them. (here is this one and the other one.)

I especially like the big orange flower on this one.

All of me

There is just something about this song. I don't know what it is, but I just love it. I have a few of his CD's, and I love them. I also have his books, but obviously, he dumbs his songs down for the rest of us. So enjoy. And if you care to share, tell me what you like about this song.

Do you?

Do you ever feel good? Even when you normally wouldn't?

Tomorrow our home teachers are coming over.

My kitchen is a disaster. Stuff all over the counters. My desk (which is in the kitchen) is a mess.

My living room is also a disaster. As is the dining room table that has a very pretty but sad and dirty table cloth on it that really needs to be washed.

I still haven't finished the laundry that I started yesterday. Our loft/playroom is also a disaster.

My van is full of boxes to be taken to the recycle center on post.

Yet with all this, I feel good.

It is inexplicable. Well, not completely. There are a few reasons. One of which is that I went to the temple today. The other is that the sun was out!!!!! The others....well, I can't really share those here.

I am certain tomorrow will be full of folding clothes, vacuuming, my purple rubber gloves and attempts at organizing. But our home teachers aren't coming to see our house, they are coming to see us.

And. I am pretty sure the sun will be back tomorrow. Amazing what the sun will do, isn't it.

The future

We've been talking recently about our future. (as in my husband and I) Do we stay in the Army? Do we get out? Where do we move? Will he specialize in anything? If we stay in, where do we want to try to go? We do have an if-the-stars-align-and-pigs-fly plan that we hope for. But knowing the Army, it won't happen.

But this talk has gotten me thinking. And a little nervous. Once getting in the Army was terrifying. And now getting out is doing the same thing to me. Do we really want to be civilians? What would that feel like? Where would we move if we got out? What would it be like to stay in one place for years??

So, why do I like the Army? Well, for one thing, the paycheck will always show up. And we have health care insurance. I know my way around in the Army. I love having access to the commissary, the PX, military discounts. And then there is the little bit of pride I have of knowing what my husband is doing. While I hate the packing and unpacking parts of moving, I love meeting new friends, visiting new places and being able to give my kids great experiences all over the place. There is also the added bonus of not living near our family. I have found that with most of my family members, seeing them for only a few weeks out of the year is better than seeing them every week all year. The potential for problems increase the more times we see each other. And since I would rather keep our encounters on the positive side, it works out better this way. (after living there for four months last year, I know this is wisdom on my part.) Plus, there is the added bonus of them getting to travel somewhere new to come and visit us.

And now the other side: the positives of getting out. No more deployments. WE get to choose where we live rather than the Army telling us where to go. My kids getting to go to the same school for years instead of for just one year. Being able to buy a house and put down roots somewhere. My husband having regular hours. That elusive feeling of unpacking and knowing you won't have to pack up again for years and years. (man, what would that be like???) We would still live far away from family. (I know this sounds nuts, and you're probably wondering what is wrong with my family, or what is wrong with me. I tend to think that it's a little of both, and me trying to keep things healthy and setting appropriate boundaries so that we still have a working relationship. Well, with most of them anyway.)

Sometimes I wish that we didn't have to make the choice. But then being able to have that choice is a huge gift. While the time has not yet come for that choice, if we don't start thinking now, it will come up and bite us in the behind and we won't be prepared for it. (As a side note, I really love choices. I love that we are all so different and that there is not one way for all of us, there is our own way, whatever that might be.)

Easter Sunday thoughts

A few months ago, I was asked to speak in church. My topic was Heavenly Father knows us and blesses us in our trials.

That was a very tough topic for me. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because it was very personal. I was right in the middle of one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do (being a single parent while my husband is deployed while dealing with the leftovers of some other issues). And not only that, I didn't feel that it was appropriate for me to go into great detail about MY trials, and forget about what the scriptures actually teach us. And so I didn't.

But do you believe that? The He does bless you? That He knows you?

What made this topic extra personal to me is that I do believe it. And for myself, I know it.

I also know that there are blessings, huge blessings, on the other side of those trials.

This is huge for me. And I want to document it, hence the blogging of this.

Sometimes, in the midst of great difficulty, I start to fall apart. I can't see to the other side of what is going on, and things start to spiral down down down. And I really struggle to get myself back up. I feel like there will be no end. And that there will be nothing good that will come of it. But in just the last 18 months, the things that I have had to deal with -and boy were they some humdingers of problems and trials- there have been good things. Nothing tangible, but perhaps personal growth, a change in the right direction, a glimpse into what the bigger picture is that He has for me. I have also learned that I need to ask for help. Because contrary to what I would like to believe, I cannot do it all on my own. At the same time, I have learned how strong I really am! What I can do, and that the spiral down does not have to happen if I don't let it. Amazing, isn't it.

What does this do for me? It gives me hope. Hope for the next time that something comes up, and I start to feel things pushing me down, that I can remember these things I have learned and keep myself up. Maybe be able to endure a little better the next time around. Have a bigger perspective.

And those are my Easter Sunday thoughts.

I didn't want to do it........

But I did it. Yes, last night I watched New Moon. You know, the second Twilight movie. Very long story why I did, but I was coerced into watching it.

I have never read the books, and never plan to read them. And I don't plan on watching the first movie either. But I did know the story. So I wasn't completely in the dark watching it. And if I did have questions, the person I watched it with had seen the first one.

Honestly, I was laughing. I thought it was hysterical! How does an 18 year old girl know what she wants? And who is obviously ruled by her emotions and not one bit of logic enters her head?? How could she not choose Jacob over Edward?? Edward can barely kiss you, is over 100 years old and wants to suck your blood. Not to mention the very pale white skin and his almost overwhelming unattractiveness. And his silly comments like "Your very breathing is a gift to me Bella". HA! Then Jacob who is healthy, only wants to protect her, looks a million times better than Edward, AND wants to kill crazy Victoria who is trying to kill her is the one you turn down??? And really, a vampire's skin sparkles in the sun??? I think that was when I laughed the most!

I guess I must qualify this review with a few things. First, I am not a fan of super natural anything. Or fantasy inspired things. The only thing I remotely like that is anything like that is Star Wars. Anything else I do not like at all. It all seems completely silly to me. Why spend time on things that will never happen? Or could never happen?? I enjoy books and movies that are more real. Situations that could happen. Situations that have happened. Biographies, true stories. Perhaps you say I have no imagination. And that's fine. That does not hurt my feelings in the least! So with all that, you could almost say that I am predisposed not to like these books and movies. And I would say that you are right.

So, will I see the next one? Will I ever read the books? Not unless I want a good laugh. Or want to watch Shark Boy turn into a werewolf again. (and who in their right mind thought he could pass for an American Indian??? seriously??)

Observations on craigslist

~Lots of people buy glass dining room tables with terrible looking chairs to match. And then try to sell them on craigslist for way too much.

~You need to post a picture with your listing.

~The over sharing going on there is hysterical. So many people go into all this personal information that truly has little to do with the actual listing. Cracks me up every time I read someones life story on a listing for a couch or table.

~The spelling mistakes crack me up too. One of my favorites was a listing that only said "Cardenza". I am sure they meant credenza. Proofread people!!

~It also cracks me up when they post pictures of the items to be sold with about twenty pounds of crap all over it. You can't even see the actual item to be sold!!

~The sheer amount of floral couches in this world is astounding. Where did floral couches go after the 90's???

~Love it when the title of the listing says "DIVORCE SALE" or something else along those lines. I guess this one goes back to the over sharing.

~Go check out the free section. Always something surprising there!!

~There is some ugly stuff out there. Like really ugly.

I love craigslist. I really do. After trolling it for months for different things, you start to notice things. What have you noticed about it?

It got me thinking....

A few days ago, I read this post by my friend Emily.

I thought, what a fantastic idea!! I want to do that!

And then I started to think. What would my five lives be?

I kept thinking. And I couldn't really come up with anything.

I mean, I had these vague ideas, like live in France and do.........something french?

Or, become a part of a non-profit somewhere and help them do........something?

I was shocked. I could not come up with anything concrete. I thought about what I wanted to do when I was in high school: become a Marine Biologist so that I could train and swim with dolphins. And that idea was nixed very quickly once I knew how much science was involved with that one.

But. I do want to go back to school. I want to expand my french skills. I want to take history classes and then go BE where those things happened. When my children are grown and on their own, I want to be involved in doing things in my community, and maybe even worldwide. Maybe take piano and music classes at college.

I wonder, what does this lack of desire, this lack of not knowing what I want to do mean? Does it mean that I am so involved in my current responsibilities that I haven't even thought about it? Or does it mean that I have no direction? I have no idea. But now that I know that I don't know, I am going to think about it more. Give myself a good year or two to figure out what I want to do. A few years back, when I was sharing with my husband my desire to work once the kids were gone and out of the house, he said something along the lines of "if you're going to work, you should make it more than just a job". Meaning he thinks I should volunteer, or work with a non-profit or do something to make a difference rather than just work to earn money. (which is still good, obviously, but I think he feels we won't have to worry about that. which I guess we will see when we get there.)

With my youngest starting school in September (that day I will be doing a dance of joy. some people cry when they take their kids to school, I send them off with a smile, and skip happily away.) I hope to be able to start on this road of 'what I want to do when I grow up'. Yes, I am a mom. And, as my therapist said to me yesterday, I seem to be doing a pretty good job. But all moms are more than a mom. They have hopes, dreams, aspirations, goals....and not all of those center around their children or family. So, I am off to find those things for myself.

Wish me luck!!!!!

I did it!!!

The last few weeks, I have been attempting to run at the gym. I have never been a runner, and struggled in school to complete the mile regularly. I don't have asthma, but really have struggled to breathe well while running. (perhaps the smog in LA county had something to do with it?????)

I started doing a run/walk thing on the treadmill. Run for a few, and then walk and catch my breath. And do it as much as I could for my 30 minutes of cardio that I do. On the treadmill, my left hip also starts hurting, and I am limping off the treadmill. I usually have done the elliptical, mostly because I don't lose feeling in my feet near as soon, and I feel that my body moves so much smoother on it.

This morning I got to the gym, and I had my pick of the treadmills. I turned on my MP3 player (which has Glee plus a few songs my husband sings on it) and started to warm up. And I started to run. And I just kept running.

And I did it. I ran a mile, in about ten minutes. I slowed down and walked a few minutes. And then I started to run again. And even though my hip hurt again, I was able to keep going, and for the first time, actually completed the 30 minutes!!

It was a little emotional.

And I will try again next week.

Excited

So, for the last almost ten years, we have had pretty crappy furniture. And really, there isn't anything wrong with the free couch you get from the neighbor that is getting rid of it, or table you picked up at a yard sale. The only reason we have a matching couch and love seat is because my husband found them before we left Germany, used, and wanted them because both sides of both recline. And the big couch has a heating or massage thing in it. (which we have never used in the four years we have had them). These poor pieces of furniture have been moved several times, been taken apart and put back together, and been used mercilessly by two small children. And they are starting to show it. You know it is bad when someone comes to your house, sits on your couch, and asks for a pillow because they can feel the metal bars in your couch. Yeah. (no, I wasn't offended. I have been feeling them myself for a while.)

We are to the point, at least I feel that we are, where we need some real furniture. Adult furniture. Furniture that looks nice, but also is functional and serves our needs. (ok, we really do not NEED new furniture. it is absolutely a want.) I have been looking on craigslist for a long time for other pieces of needed furniture in our house, and came across this lovely thing:


I love it. I love the color, I love how it looks. I love that both of us like it. And the best part is that it also comes with this option:


Because we always live far away from friends and family, we often have visitors. And while the extra-long-twin-mattresses-that-go-together-make-a-cal-king-on-the-floor work quite well, sometimes we need more than that. (not to mention a better place to store the darn mattresses. at least my kids get some use out of them my using them as an inside trampoline. heaven knows they need them with this crappy weather we have here.) The only thing left to do is go look at the showroom where this baby is at and see if it is comfy. See if it can stand up to kids and moving. See if it is really worth spending part of our tax return on.

There is also another reason I want to do this. My husband and I have this agreement. When we accomplish something fairly big, or are apart for a while, we get to do something or get something for ourselves. For example, after he finished his first year of Physicians Assistant school (by far much more difficult and harder than the second year) he got us a new TV. One that he can watch his sports in HD with. Or play video games with. This time my husband got himself a new bike as his deployment gift to himself. A very nice, expensive bike, that cost more than what we used to make in a month as E4's. We even got it on sale. This furniture is my gift to myself for this deployment. (and believe it or not, his bike cost about the same as what this furniture will. I know, a BIKE!!!) There is another set at the same location that I also want to look at, although it does not have a sleeper in it. But that set breaks up into pieces so that it doesn't always have to be a sectional. And since we move so often, having a versatile piece of furniture like that could be pretty awesome.

So, I am excited. Excited that we are at a point that we can do this. Excited for how it will look.

I just might turn out to know how to make my house look nice after all. Well, after I get all my little clutter piles picked up.

Le langage de l'amour

For Sunday Scribblings

Last night, about 10pm, my computer rang. Usually my husband calls closer to when the kids are getting ready for bed, so it was a little unexpected. Especially since we had spent a lot of time talking to him earlier that evening. He had some time before sick call started and just wanted to call me. And practice his French.

Since he has been gone, he has been studying French. For active duty and their families, Rosetta Stone is free through the Army Knowledge Online website. And since my husbands job allows him a lot of free time, he, for whatever reason, decided to learn French.

He has been studying it for a while. He downloaded some things that he can put on his MP3 player and listen to while he spends hours at the gym. (he really has a lot of extra time there) And last night he called because he wanted to practice speaking French with me.

I love it. I feel like it is his way to have some sort of a connection with me while he is gone for so long. It could also be because we hope to get back to Germany and he knows if we do we will go to France. Many many times. It will also be useful when I have things to tell him that I don't want the kids to understand.

The sad part of all this, is that my French has really gotten bad. I can read it and understand almost everything. I can listen to it and understand 90% of what they are saying. But when it comes to me responding, my brain struggles to find the right conjugations, the right vocabulary. I hate it. I used to be fluent. I could hold my own anywhere in France. I could joke with people, give directions, do anything. And now, ten years after I was fluent, my brain is just so much slower.

Sometimes if I have time to warm up, things start to just come out. Which I love. I even dream in French still. Not that often, but I do sometimes.

I have a few grammar books that I really want to start working on. Working on the future, subjunctive, and the imperfect tenses. Remembering sentence structure, vocabulary, and all the exceptions of the rules. Because French is the language of exceptions.

I love speaking French with my husband. It gives me a warm fuzzy feeling, helps me to feel connected to him while he is so far away. There are things that we do not talk about in English, but for some reason, I can say those things in French. It also is motivating me to do more to improve my French. (I am hoping to go back to school soon and start taking French classes!) I just wish I had the hours he did to sit and do it. It would really be sad if he came home speaking better than I did. Well, no matter what, I still have a better accent than he does.

Hole

This past Sunday, I found myself in a hole. A very dark, deep, hole. The phrase "in the depths of despair" comes to mind, although Anne was rarely actually in complete despair.:)

That morning, I had made a pretty darn good breakfast for the three of us. Scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon (the smell of which always makes me feel like a ten year old at my grandma's house), and banana oatmeal pancakes, and orange juice. Usually, we are a cereal for breakfast family. Anyway, while they were playing the morning away (we have late church) I was sitting at the computer, contemplating not going to church. I really did not want to. But we still went.

As always, getting out the door was a bit of a difficulty.

Got through church, and came home. Still could not figure out what my problem was. The kids were being kids. After we had a difficult bedtime (always a bit of a power struggle with that independent soul that is my daughter) I started going through my checklist of the usual reasons why I was feeling so down. I mean, I fleetingly considered packing up and going to my parents house so that they could take care of my kids for a while and I could just crawl somewhere and well, hide. So, down the checklist I went: reading scriptures daily check. saying my prayers check. going to the gym check. seeing the sun check. (the sun had been out for four days!!!) been productive check. (a friend had come and helped me get a ton done earlier that week and I was loving how my house was looking). And then I realized what it was. My journal.

I went and found it. It had been more than two weeks since I had written.

I then sat down and wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. 13 pages later, I felt like I had climbed out of my hole. And felt a million times lighter.

I wrote about so much stuff. About how I feel about all these people around me getting pregnant. About the valentines email I got from my husband. About a ton of other things. It was amazing.

note to self: write in your journal every few days so you don't go down the crazy path of considering moving in with your parents.

A must read (well, at least I think so)

I read this blog post this morning. I thought it was fantastic.

My favorite part was the comment about balance. I am a big fan of balance, moderation, keeping your expectations realistic. Anyway, feel free to share any thoughts you have there or here. Would love to hear them. I would also highly suggest you read through the comments. They do not all agree with her, but bring up their points very respectfully.

And another must read from a friend I know IRL (in real life). My friend Emily wrote this. I love it. I have often thought of turning off this blog, of taking off any and all profiles from anywhere. It goes back to the whole moderation thing. Balance. Anyway, just some of my thoughts this Monday.

Our Monday is a beautiful sunny day here. The last we will have a for a while. I am going to do my best to take advantage of it. I hope it is sunny chez toi. And if it isn't, make it a sunny one.

Real or not?

A few days ago, on facebook, a friend had put in her status update something about praying for those doing real army stuff, and hoped that they were safe. (please note that my quotation marks key on my keyboard is broken, hence the different color instead of quotation marks.)

It got me thinking. Granted, I have no idea what she meant by that phrase. She could have just meant those soldiers that were deployed. (And I did not ask for clarification. I have tried to not comment on those status updates that bother me for whatever reason. Facebook home pages are rarely the right place to have a discussion about this sort of stuff) But then, I got to thinking about what else she could have meant, those soldiers actually doing army stuff by going out, doing raids, clearing bombs, shooting big guns (or small ones), flying planes or helicopters and all those sorts of things. Not to mention Special Forces, or Delta Force, or Rangers, or Green Berets. And when I was thinking about that, it kind of bothered me.

I rarely care what someones job is within the Army (or whatever branch they happen to be in). I think that if it is a job in the Army, it is real army stuff. And if they are deployed, then they are doing real Army stuff. No matter if they are in support or not. If the computer satellite guys don't do their job, not only do the soldiers not have the internet, but the higher up guys don't have any way to communicate either. If the doctors and surgeons, nurses, physicians assistants, and any other medical job other than a medic weren't there, these soldiers wouldn't be coming home to their families. (Medics rock though. They are out there with the soldiers and keep them stabilized so that the docs and others can do what they need to do.) If the guys that do finance, or the engineers or any other kind of support job weren't there, how would the guys doing real army stuff do theirs?

My grandpa was in the Navy during WWII. He never shot a gun. He was on an aircraft carrier and was an airplane mechanic. He was in charge of one airplane, and making sure it was in good working order so that when that pilot needed to go, his plane was safe and ready. I am sure that pilot was glad to have my grandpa there to keep his plane running well.

We have made many friends in the Army. Friends that are Special Forces, Green Berets. Friends that do the computer side of things. Friends that are nurses, doctors, physicians assistants. People that fly helicopters, people that are medics. And really, it does not matter one bit. As long as they do their job the best they can, they are doing real army stuff.

So, am I going to go back and comment on her status? Nope. No point in doing it. Both our husbands are deployed, and both are doing real army stuff. And that is the end of that.

Just real quick

I have all of a few minutes to post something.

I am so busy this week.

I do not like being busy. Yes, it does make time seem to move faster. Yes, be anxiously engaged etc...... I still do not like it.

Part of the reason why I don't like it is because I am alone. There is no one that will do the dishes so that I don't have to because I have to find some preschool worksheets to print off. There isn't anyone else to help my son do his homework, or give them baths, or even watch them so that I can fulfill my responsibility at church. There isn't even anyone to tell me to relax, it will be just fine.

This is the crap part of deployment.

I tell myself this is not permanent, and that in a few months, this will all be over an done with. But then those few months seem like an eternity. And I feel so overwhelmed that I would rather just sit down and not get up for a while.

I hate these feelings. But they come. And they go. And then they come again. I guess it is all in how you deal with them. Do I sit down and whine and complain, or do I take a deep breath and start working on those treat bags for the preschool valentines party tomorrow? Well, first I write a blog post about it. And then take a deep breath and start getting things done.

Saturday mind dump

I LOVE clearance sales at Walmart. I rarely will buy my kids clothes there unless it is on the clearance rack. $3 pjs are not something I can walk past.

I LOVE when I find meat marked down. I hate spending a lot of money on meat, and got three packages of tenderloin chickens for $3.15 each. Someday, I hope to afford organic meat. But until then, I will go for the marked down chicken.

I LOVE the day old breads. Because there is nothing wrong with them, and they are almost half of the original price.

I LOVE the new toy box I just got for the kids. I love it because I got it off of craigslist. And I love it because I bought it from the person that built it.

I LOVE that I have my computer back. The keyboard is falling apart, and the DVD drive is shot. But I get to look for a new one. Since I have a giant external hard drive, I don't need much storage space nor do I need a lot of bells and whistles. The kids will get this one until it dies.

I LOVE that the sun was out today for a while. It was so nice! And above 50 degrees!!

I LOVE that my husband put a poem he had written for me to music and that I can listen to him sing to me anytime I want. Especially love it when I have my MP3 player at the gym, and while I am doing my crunches, he comes on.

I LOVE that my husband emailed and not only got permission to bless and pass the sacrament on the new FOB he is on, but because he took the initiative to do so is now the group leader where he is. Granted, there are maybe 4 other guys there. But that doesn't matter. I just imagine four guys in ACUs getting together in one of their rooms and blessing and passing the sacrament and having their own little church together.

I LOVE my husband.:)

I LOVE that my kids rooms are more organized and picked up than they have ever been.

I LOVE that Heavenly Father answers prayers. I have had two answered so quickly recently. To me, they were miracles.

I LOVE friends that tell me that they miss me (or really, our family:)) because we are so awesome.

I LOVE that the dress I was contemplating buying for my brothers wedding this summer just went on sale. I think it is a sign that I need to buy it.

I LOVE writing in my journal. I always feel so much better.

Yes I can

This week has been a little rough. My body is doing crazy things. Talking to my husband has become less regular. The weather is not helping things. I feel overwhelmed about all the things that I have to do, on top of the things that I WANT to do. Ugh.

My kids rooms are just disasters. While they have been cleaned numerous times, and been slightly organized, the STUFF that is in there has not been really gone through, and organized, well, since we moved here. And since our stuff is part of what is overwhelming me, I decided to attack my sons room. Last weekend, I saw these fantastic red and white and blue and white baskets. Since the overall theme in his room is spiderman with a little bit of space thrown in (I know, they don't go together, but he likes them both. Who says you cannot be spiderman in space???) the baskets were not only the perfect colors and the perfect size and shape, but they were 40% off!! So I picked them up. And since I feel that having my children involved in the cleaning of their rooms (even though it would be infinitely easier to do it on my own) today, with the half day, was a great time to start it.

We worked a lot of the afternoon. He helped put things away, and I started a bag of toys to be put in the goodwill box. We decided what would go in the new baskets. He got the hose of the vacuum and got the edges of everything, and did a fair amount of vacuuming. I emptied and got rid of these plastic drawers that we have had since we lived in Germany, and put everything that was in them in other homes. We are going to hang his spiderman clock, and his galaxy poster. He and I are both THRILLED with how his room is looking. I put together these wire cubes that we have used before (which are red!!), and put his new globe and a few other things in there.

This is only the beginning. My kids rooms are the easiest to tackle, as they have less stuff than I do, and honestly, throwing away or giving away their toys is a lot easier than getting rid of my stuff. The playroom (well, the loft that will hopefully be more than a playroom if I have my way) is next on the list, as well as my daughters room. I have also bought both of them new dressers (yay for craigslist!!!) as they have both had sterilite plastic drawers for their entire lives as dressers.

I am on a roll my friends. I have a bench in my garage that I got for an insane deal at World Market that I am excited to use and put baskets under for all our shoes. Then take the shoe racks that are downstairs up to my room to try and take control of my shoes. Once the shoes are gone, I will have this space next to my washer for storage or whatever the heck I want. I have a mantle that is waiting for me to put photos on and decorate with my glass bottle Eiffel towers. I finally have an idea of what kind of couches I want in my living room, which I just might be able to get this year! I want to have real bedroom furniture or at least use what I have better and add a few bits of color, or heaven forbid, actual curtains!!!!!

At the same time, I feel as if I am going through two extremes: feeling very low, sad and unhappy, low energy and not caring what my home looks like(not for any actual reason usually, but sometimes I do have a reason) to having all this energy, feeling happy, and actually having a vision of what my home could be, and then even the realization that I CAN accomplish my vision! (Well, within certain reason of course. I have a pretty big idea of what I want. Someday.) That feeling of power, of self esteem, of control over what I can control is amazing.

Right now, my goal is to do as much as I can before my husband comes home for R&R. Not too much time, and not too little. It is a realistic goal, and is totally possible if I take those little bites every day, every week......you eat an elephant one bite at a time. There will be set backs (because my kids are just like yours. you turn your back on the thing you just picked up/organized/put away and it is right back out. sigh.) But I have GOT to hold onto this feeling of accomplishment, of satisfaction, of happiness, of la joie de vivre. It will get me through until the sun comes out again. I hope.

Can I tell you a story?

At the beginning of December, a friend from high school that I still am very good friends with, gave me a call. It was the middle of the work day for her, and so I knew it was something pretty important for her to be calling me.

She proceeded to tell me about a very good, very old friend of ours. You can read their story here. Today she went to church at her parents congregation. Nothing short of a miracle.

The impossible.........

Something amazing happened today at the gym.

If you have never met me, I am pretty tall. And not just tall, I am mostly leg. Which makes buying pants tortuous (thank heavens for Jcrew and The Gap. I would always be wearing flood pants if not for them.). I also have long arms, arms that I like to call toothpick arms because they are SO skinny and shapeless. And having such long legs and a short torso, touching my toes has never ever happened without me having to bend my knees. Sometimes a lot. But today, that changed.

I reached over to stretch my hamstrings out, and suddenly I realized how close my fingers were to my shoes. I could not believe it. I really never thought that I would even be able to touch my toes.

I know this sounds very silly. And it kind of is. But it is also showing me that I CAN do it! I never thought I would. Which means I might be able to run. Or maybe get a six pack. Or perhaps even keep up with my husband. Ok, that last one probably not.:)

I just might actually touch my toes next week.

Masterpiece

Anyone out there watch PBS? We do, regularly. It is the only channel my kids watch in the mornings.

But, have you been watching on Sunday nights?? Masterpiece Classic is back. And boy am I loving it. Have you heard of Elizabeth Gaskill? She wrote at about the same time Jane Austen did, but about the working class. She wrote Wives and Daughters, North and South, and Cranford. PBS is showing Cranford and it is about life. Just the daily life of people. It is such a fantastic show. And at the end of the month, on January 24th, a fantastic version of Emma will be showing. I have seen it and I LOVE it. (thanks shell!)

Sometimes I find that the shows on TV are not worth watching at all. All the reality shows, where the producers choose the craziest people to throw together just for ratings. (there are some reality shows that are worth watching. just not the majority of them.) The sitcoms, that are so poorly written. I cannot stand it. I have had to become more selective in what I watch. Thank heavens for PBS.

Someone elses turn

Six, seven years ago, I received the calling to be the Primary pianist, for the first time. At the time, I was newly married, working full time, and teaching piano lessons after work almost every night of the week. I was a little upset that they would put me in primary. I wasn't able to go to any midweek activities, and my visiting teacher was someone I had known (and had dated her cousin) for a while. It was not easy for me to be there every Sunday, and not even have the opportunity to get to know anyone other than the chorister. Granted, that particular ward barely knew any of us young marrieds were in the ward anyway. Most had large families that were either out of the house, or almost out. They were doctors, lawyers, dentists, very successful businessmen/women and the like. While not all were like that, they were in the clear majority. Felt a little out of the loop as it was, and then they put me in a corner (literally) in Primary. I did not come out of that calling very happy.

Fast forward a few years. I did other things like be the Relief Society President, be a counselor in the Primary Presidency, play the piano for sacrament meeting, Girls Camp Director. We move to Fort Bragg, and I am the pianist in Primary yet again. Wasn't too happy about it, but at least this time around I had the opportunity to go to activities, and had a lot more in common with the people I was working with. It turned out to be a pretty good thing. I move to California. The first Sunday I was there (it was my parents ward and they had known me for years) I was asked to be the Primary Pianist. Again.

We move up here, and, thankfully, the ward split about four months after we got here. Before we get home from our road trip in August, I get a phone call. Would I play the piano in Primary until they can get someone else? Sure.

Today, they got someone else.

I used to think that when you were in the Primary, you didn't get too spiritually fed. You were dealing with kids that had a ton of energy, that don't really want to be sitting in chairs singing I am a Child of God yet again. Some are crawling on the floor, others are falling off their chairs, and there is always one or two that you think have borderline behavioral disorders. And it gets exhausting. But like anything involving small children, there are those moments. Those moments where all the frustration, the telling them over and over again to keep their hands to themselves, to stop eating their tie, or not to pull their dress over their head becomes worth it. I cannot tell you how many times playing those songs for them, and listening to them sing their hearts out, and reading the words as I play that my heart just swelled,with tears in my eyes, and I always pray that they don't blur my sight so I can still play. The simple wording of the songs reminds me that yes, I am loved. Yes, He knows me. Yes, coming to church on Sunday is worth all the difficulty getting out the door and getting through sacrament without losing my mind.

I am a little bit sad that I don't get to do it anymore. That now I get to go to Sunday School and Relief Society. Which are great things. But I think I will miss it. Lucky for me, we move a lot. And people always need piano players. I just need to wait until my turn comes around again.