A few days ago, I read this post by my friend Emily.
I thought, what a fantastic idea!! I want to do that!
And then I started to think. What would my five lives be?
I kept thinking. And I couldn't really come up with anything.
I mean, I had these vague ideas, like live in France and do.........something french?
Or, become a part of a non-profit somewhere and help them do........something?
I was shocked. I could not come up with anything concrete. I thought about what I wanted to do when I was in high school: become a Marine Biologist so that I could train and swim with dolphins. And that idea was nixed very quickly once I knew how much science was involved with that one.
But. I do want to go back to school. I want to expand my french skills. I want to take history classes and then go BE where those things happened. When my children are grown and on their own, I want to be involved in doing things in my community, and maybe even worldwide. Maybe take piano and music classes at college.
I wonder, what does this lack of desire, this lack of not knowing what I want to do mean? Does it mean that I am so involved in my current responsibilities that I haven't even thought about it? Or does it mean that I have no direction? I have no idea. But now that I know that I don't know, I am going to think about it more. Give myself a good year or two to figure out what I want to do. A few years back, when I was sharing with my husband my desire to work once the kids were gone and out of the house, he said something along the lines of "if you're going to work, you should make it more than just a job". Meaning he thinks I should volunteer, or work with a non-profit or do something to make a difference rather than just work to earn money. (which is still good, obviously, but I think he feels we won't have to worry about that. which I guess we will see when we get there.)
With my youngest starting school in September (that day I will be doing a dance of joy. some people cry when they take their kids to school, I send them off with a smile, and skip happily away.) I hope to be able to start on this road of 'what I want to do when I grow up'. Yes, I am a mom. And, as my therapist said to me yesterday, I seem to be doing a pretty good job. But all moms are more than a mom. They have hopes, dreams, aspirations, goals....and not all of those center around their children or family. So, I am off to find those things for myself.
Wish me luck!!!!!