Saturday, March 28, 2009

A little glimpse of why I will never sew. And why I couldn't exercise this week.

This last week my moms sister has been visiting. On a normal day, my mom is on the phone with her a lot. (she lives in Utah) They keep their phones on speaker and just sew. And sometimes they talk. And she has been here since a week ago Friday. While normally her visiting doesn't bother me (even though she and my mom are more alike than they realize which can be a little overwhelming) this week was a little rough. Because not only do they sew, but they quilt. And quilting takes up a lot of room. My mom should know. She has two rooms that she sews in. Two. And boy are they packed with all kinds of sewing things. Fabric, buttons, thread, multiple sewing machines, embroidery machines, a serger, a machine that is made mostly to quilt the quilt, a cutting table (which ironically has so much crap on it in little baskets and whatever that if she were to cut out something any larger than the quilt blocks she makes, she would have to clean it off), a TV in each room......sigh. This week, the quilting exited those two rooms and went into the living room. Each of them had laid out a quilt top on the floor. It is a fairly large room, so there was room for both of them. But it was hard walking out the back door. And. I couldn't exercise. The quilt top was there from Tuesday afternoon sometime to probably late last night as it is not there this morning. So. No taebo for me. I haven't been able to exercise in the last almost three, four weeks because of so many different things. Luckily, the quilt top is gone, and I'm hoping to break out Billy Blanks Monday morning. Because nothing gets all your frustration and anxiety out better than punching and kicking. And I feel full of frustration and anxiety. Probably because of my lack of exercise. Hopefully this new week coming up will be free of a lot of what I've been feeling. That, and a visit to my therapist always helps.:)

Friday, March 27, 2009

I can dream can't I??????

(image from here)

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Green eyed monster

As you can see on my sidebar, I read lots of different kinds of blogs. From religious ones to decorating to family to......you get it. And I usually enjoy all of them.

Today I clicked on one of the links, and I saw this. And I thought Who the heck has the time and the money to do something like this??????? I get being creative. And wanting to do something different. But. People. This is a three year old. Who does this for a three year old? I mean, in the real world. I guess I kind of feel like this for anyone under the age of about 6 or 8. I mean, who cares? All that time and money for what??? It is so so cute. It is very creative and thoughtful. The party will probably be fantastic. I mean, if they are spending this kind of money on just the invitations, I'm sure the food will be fabulous as will the decorations. And maybe in their world this is a normal thing to do. But. How realistic is this? That three year old little boy is barely going to remember that party. Isn't going to remember the food. He might remember the cake. He probably won't even remember the people that came.

While the person that had these invitations made is able to spend that money on them, and of course has every right to do it, it just makes me think. Mostly about my priorities. Because sometimes I want to be the person that sends this kind of an invitation. I want to be that person that has things that no one else does. I want to be thoughtful, creative, and all those things. And sometimes I find myself a little jealous of those that can do things like this. Which is just so wrong. Because really, who cares if someone wants to send little boats or yoyo's or whatever as birthday invitations. How does that affect me? It doesn't unless I let it. Maybe someday I will be able to do something like this. But for now, I just need to Stop. Stop being jealous. Stop comparing yourself to this person. Stop even just caring that someone did it. Appreciate it for what it is and move on.

I find myself doing this unconsciously many times. And I hate it. I hate that it starts without me even knowing it. I hate that I even care about it. So now it is a conscious thing. I have to stop myself from keeping that cycle going. I've succeeded a few times. But I haven't conquered the beast yet.

Monday, March 23, 2009

DWTS

It looks like I might have to sit out this season of DWTS. I know, so sad and disappointing. Part of the problem is the website. I went there a few times last week to watch last weeks episodes. And the website froze on me. I'm able to watch other things on other websites, so I'm thinking it's their website. Second, my parents do not own a DVR. And probably never will. So, no recording the shows and watching them when I am able. And while we do have a few TV's in the house here (in fact, there is one upstairs that I could probably watch it on) I'm usually putting the kids to bed right when it starts. So. Unless their website start to work again, or magically my kids go to bed and stay in bed and don't need me to lay with them, it looks like I will be missing out. I don't even know who was eliminated last week. How sad is that. I could go look it up, but I just seem to be busy with other things. I'll just have to wait for next season when I'll have a DVR again and hopefully a husband.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Dolphins and hot chocolate

Yesterday we headed to the beach. Shell and I and our kids headed out to Newport. I love that beach. So so many memories of driving down there in the middle of winter late at night just to sit on the sand and listen to the waves. Yesterday was not near as relaxing, but it was very good. Andrew loves looking for shells and other cool stuff in the sand just as much as I do. And the coolest part of it all was seeing dolphins. This was only the second time I had seen dolphins while at the beach. The first time was when I was younger, and we were camping at Pismo beach. My sister and I had woken up and walked to the beach and there they were. It was awesome. It was a little rough to see them yesterday, but I saw enough. I just love the beach. We were cold. The sun didn't come out much. But just being at the beach is such a calming thing for me. It was fun jumping in the waves with Andrew. He had a great time. An extra special treat was stopping to get hot chocolate to warm up the kids on the way home. We found a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf and stopped there. Our plan was just to buy two larges and split it up between all of us. The lady at the register only charged her for one large and we got hot chocolate for all six of us for only $6. Thank you lady at the register of the Coffee Bean in Costa Mesa. That was the cherry on our awesome ice cream sundae day.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Parts

I've never been a good actress. I've never really been able to lie effectively or pretend I don't know about something. So, having to play all these "parts" since living here has been a little rough.

I just spent the afternoon with my FIL's wife. She brought their daughters, along with the two girls she watches, up to go to the park with my kids. Yes, my FIL has daughters that are 7 and 6. Anyway, I have spent the last two hours trying to think of things to talk about. Trying not to say something dumb. And I did it. There was a lot of silence. Then I had a few phone calls. I wanted to tell her so many things. But I didn't. Because it won't matter.

And now I'm off to my MIL's. Who has a whole different set of issues, and I have to play yet another part. I'm getting tired of it. I need to be me. And I try my best to still be me. But. It still isn't me. I hate it. And as soon as I can, I'm out of here. I am looking forward to being Me.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Awesome news

Today I found out that I could be leaving here about a month earlier than expected.

HOORAY!!!!!!!!!

While I have enjoyed living in So Cal for the last three months, having two more months of being here was feeling a bit overwhelming. Especially with Matt's dad behaving the way he has been. I am so excited!!! When Matt texted me today with the dates, I did a little bit of a happy dance. No one saw me, but I did it. I am excited for my own stuff. My own washer and dryer. My own Cal King bed. An actual closet. My pottery. My rules...... My husband..........

I don't know exactly what day it's going to be, but whatever it is, it can't come soon enough.

Ireland

In honor of Saint Patricks Day, I busted out a few pictures I took in Ireland. And of course, I am dying to go back. It's pretty easy when all you pay is your airfare. I love having friends everywhere so that I have free places to stay. Thanks Vashti!! I was only there for a weekend, and it wasn't long enough. Enjoy the pictures. It really is super green there. Really.



Saturday, March 14, 2009

Something is happening to me

We went to Sea World when Matt was here. We went when we were in Texas too, and we all loved it. I wasn't prepared for the awesomeness of the shows that they have. I also wasn't prepared for what they do before most of the shows. They have all the past and present members of the military stand up, with their families. And I start to cry. And I cry all through when the killer whales are jumping up out of the water, all the things they do with their trainers. Not to mention the music. I had to fight it the first time we went. I mean, who cries at the Shamu show???? This last time, I was able to keep my sunglasses on the whole time. I still fought the tears, but it was easier to hide it. And then I was telling Matt on the way home that I was crying during the Shamu show, and I start crying again.......what is wrong with me in my old age? I don't know if I can take another Shamu Believe show.

Friday, March 13, 2009

This is what happens when I stop watching TV

Somehow I had no idea that Dancing with the Stars started this week. Honestly, I haven't watched real TV (other than PBSKids with Lucy in the mornings sometimes) for at least a month, probably more. And I don't feel like I'm missing anything. But then, my mom mentioned something about DWTS, and I was a little surprised. I just finished watching Monday and Tuesdays shows. Not too bad, and the girls that stepped in at the last minute did fairly well. Not sure who I will be rooting for. I really like Shawn Johnson. But not quite sure which of the guys I want to win. Poor Ty Murray. He tried. Anyway, just in case YOU didn't know (like I didn't) that it has started again, it has. Just in time, because Burn Notice just ended. And thank goodness there aren't any Cloris Leachmans this time around. I wonder how hard it is to get tickets to go to the filming? I'm not that far away........anyone else want to come?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Footwear gone wrong

I noticed something when we were living in Germany. A lot of the teen girls would wear boots with their jeans, and stuff their jeans inside of them. And I kind of understood the need for boots because it got pretty cold where we lived, and it snowed. Even on the Fourth of July one year we were all wearing sweaters and pants outside. Not exactly a warm place.

I don't think I saw that trend too much in Texas. At least not that I could remember. But in North Carolina I saw it fairly frequently. And I'm seeing it here too. Which I just don't get. It doesn't get cold enough to need to wear boots. And they are usually these huge, ugly, Ugg type boots that have no shape whatsoever. And they don't look good. If it were snowing, windy, wet and cold, I would get it. But it's mild weather, infrequent rain, and it sure doesn't snow here. There is a mom at Lucy's dance class that always wears these ugly brown clunky boots, with these tassel things on them and they kind of look like they could be Uggs, jeans tucked into them, carrying a Starbucks something in her hand, and it has NEVER been raining. Not even a little cold.

I'm all for comfort. But I'm sure there are other shoes out there that are just as comfortable and warm as those horrid boots.

I know, why do I care? Oh, I don't really. But I'm a bit of a people watcher. And I notice things. Especially peoples shoes. I just really like shoes.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

I feel like my head is cut off

Last week was a great week and a crap week all at the same time. But this week, I'm having to catch up from last week. At the funeral, I told my grandma that I would drive her out to see my great aunt who lives in Granada Hills. Not exactly close. I also have friends coming in from a cruise on Saturday morning, but their flight out of LAX isn't until that night. So, I told them I would pick them up and take them wherever they want. I have to design, make, and finish a cross stitch that I said I would do forever ago. But I didn't realize that when I said yes, I would have to do the actual cross stitch, and then price it out per person. And make the pattern easy enough for first timers, old timers, and every thing in between. I also needed to clean out my car so that when my grandma gets into it, it looks fairly decent. I also need to clean the bathroom, and vacuum the upstairs. Not to mention clean up my slightly disastrous room. And help Andrew do his homework, take care of kids, and the other stuff around the house that my mom wants done (like dishes put instantly in the dishwasher.....that sort of thing.) I still have to put away the laundry from yesterday. Thank goodness it's already folded. I couldn't find the right size of graph paper for the design, so I searched and finally found it at Staples. Cost me an arm and a leg, but I'll never be without it again....(anyone need graph paper that has ten squares per inch???) Feeling a little overwhelmed, but I've given myself til Friday to have the whole cross stitch thing done, and I should be done by then. And seriously people, Joanns and Michaels just do not cut it. Why are there no Hobby Lobbys out here? It's very sad. Hobby Lobby is five times better than either of them. And lots of times, it's cheaper. I'm off to design a cross stitch, then clean the bathroom with the help of my five year old......he likes to clean the bathroom. Not really sure why since that is my least favorite thing to do every in a house. But I never turn down someone who WANTS to clean the toilet. :) Thank goodness for leftovers for dinner.

Monday, March 9, 2009

Grumpy

People, I am just grumpy. I've been trying to think of positive things to post about, things that are good, happy, warm and fuzzy type of things, and I just cannot come up with one thing. The few things that I am able to kind of think about, are just dumb. Or, I'm just not in a place that I even can write those happy warm and fuzzy things. I've just got a lot of crap I'm dealing with, from within and without, and not all of it is good. A lot of it is really yucky. And while there is no reason my blog has to be happy all the time, I'm just not articulate enough to put it all here. Because one, I don't want people to feel sorry for me. And two, this is like shouting it from the rooftops but yet at the same time hoping no one hears. I have a journal that I've been writing in, and that is helping. I have talked to people about it which is also a help. I have an appointment on Thursday (HOORAY!!!!) which should help.......but........we'll see when I get back to me. The me that is still there but is covered in s&#! right now and can't dig herself out because more s*^% keeps getting dumped on her.

Anyone got a shovel???????

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Down time

We got back around midnight last night from attending the funeral of this woman. She was my dads cousins daughter, so I think that makes her my third cousin. How do I actually know my third cousin? We have family reunions every year, and the people invited are all the descendants of my grandpa and all of his brothers and sisters. His oldest sister is almost 100, if she manages to make it to August. I've known her all my life. Whenever we all get together, it becomes a party. With lots of food, talking, and pictures being taken. At her funeral, all her daughters were wearing yellow, as were her granddaughters. They had her favorite chocolate sitting in a holder for all of us to take one. We stayed at the church until they pretty much kicked us out, and then we went to their house for more black bottomed cupcakes and partying. We didn't get back to our hotel until after 10. All of my dads brothers and sisters were there, except for one, and we all went to the Jelly Belly Factory before we all left. That is what I've been doing for the last few days. And early this morning, my parents left to go to my sisters. So I am excited to have today and tomorrow to decompress, to just let my kids play and just be. Sometimes it's nice to be alone.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

This was my day

Today just plain sucked. It just did. And I will tell you why.

~Today was our last day with Matt. I just got back a little while ago from dropping him off at the airport.

~We had to go to his dad's house. Which was so weird. His dad's behavior is very strange, and today was the strangest of all. He also sent Matt the worst email a father could send his son. I'm thinking of posting. Mostly because it is almost too funny not to share. And then it's just sad that his dad would even write such a thing.

~On the way to Ross to get Matt some pants that weren't falling off of him, I called my high school French teacher. Last week, she had said she would take me out to dinner this week to thank me for my help. We are going to a funeral, and we will be gone two days, so I was calling to ask her if we could do it next week. That's when she told me about this. People, I am sick. The man that was shot to death is her husbands brother. And not just that, I know him. I went to high school with him.

On top of all of these things, I already have my own issues that I've been dealing with. I would love to wake up tomorrow and not be able to remember any of this crap. Only the good things. Like when I came upstairs and saw that Matt was playing rock paper scissors with Andrew and they were both laughing like crazy. Or when the kids were trying to tickle their dad. Or the 20 minutes Matt and I had sitting at an almost empty In-n-out while he ate a cheeseburger animal style and I dipped my french fries into my strawberry shake.

Tomorrow will be spent taking Lucy to dance, dropping off and picking up Andrew from school, getting ready to go up north for a funeral (my dads cousin passed away last week. she had been in hospice, and while her situation really sucked too, we have known this was going to happen for a few weeks), and doing everything humanly possible to keep from calling up my father in law and ripping him a new one. My goal is to be done with my anger before Sunday. Hopefully I can manage that one.

Tomorrow has to be better.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Oh man......

I tell you people, sometimes life is just plain funny. The things that people do, especially family members or in laws, can be just hysterical. I was given some advice by a brother in law who told me this: Just think of it like a comic strip. You keep yourself emotionally separate and rather than get upset, it helps you laugh. Oh, my friends. The comic strips that I've read recently......

Perhaps that advice will help some of you. Some of you might think I'm nuts. I am a little, but that's not the point. I would much rather laugh than get angry. And if I can, I will share why I am sitting here alone listening to my husband snoring, (which is kind of nice sound after not having him around for two months) laughing to myself. But not for a little while. Because honestly, it can only get funnier.