For the last 19 months, I have avoided babies. I don't hold them. I don't talk about them. I was even offered point blank if I wanted to hold my cousins' baby. I was caught a little off guard, but I said no.
It has also felt as if everyone around me is pregnant, or having a baby. And it isn't just people I see at the store. These are friends, really good friends. And I get it. At my age, many of my friends are still adding to their families. And most of them are very aware of my situation. Two of them even told me before they even told their families.
After my husband left to go back to Afghanistan, and it became very obvious that I was not pregnant, it was very painful. That particular time was a very dark week.
A few weeks ago, I was at a very casual wedding reception. A woman I know from church was there, and she had recently had a baby. She was hungry, but had her arms full with her baby. And without even thinking about what I was doing, told her that I would hold him, so that she could go and get herself something to eat. Nursing mama's need to eat.:) And then I held him. It was an odd feeling. I held him until she had finished.
Today at church, a tiny baby was right in front of us. My daughter keeps telling me she wants a sister (heaven help me if we did have another girl) and I remind her that it would be a baby, not a little girl ready to play.
What does all this mean? I don't know. Maybe I am finally healing. Maybe I am..........progressing in a positive direction. I still don't want to hold babies. Or, quite honestly, have anything to do with them right now. But progress is progress.