Monday, August 31, 2009

I'm resigned

A few Sundays ago, our ward was split!!! Hooray!! (which means they made one very large congregation into two smaller ones, with new leadership) And for the last two Sundays I've been in the primary. First Sunday I was the chorister, helping the kids learning and singing songs, and yesterday I played the piano. And, I committed to doing it again next week.

I've done this 3 times already, playing the piano for the primary. I've played the piano for sacrament meeting, I've played for choir, for almost everything you can imagine within our church. While I know people need my skills, and it's nice to be needed, I wish more of the leadership would realize that we want to be needed for more than just our hands. Because, gosh darn it, I have a brain with good ideas and a willingness to help out with more than just playing the piano.

But yesterday as I was playing, I realized that right now, at this time of my life, playing the piano for primary might just be the right thing for me. I want to serve, I want to help. But it might completely overwhelm me if I try and do something more involved.

When I get the call, I'm ready for it. It may not be this, but I'll cross that bridge if I get there.

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Monday, August 24, 2009

Back home and recovering

Being home for a few days feels good. We had been on our road trip for three weeks, and even the kids were asking to go home. I have done multiple loads of laundry, and even emptied most of our van.

The hardest part of coming home, was coming home to an empty house. It was like he left all over again. I've been a bit of a sentimental dork too, because I don't want to move the things he left, or change the settings on the AC in his car. While that is very unrealistic, I can do it for a few days until I get a little more used to idea of him being gone.

While being mostly in civilian world for the last few weeks, many old friends and new acquaintances have made comments about how "strong" I am, or wondered out loud how I managed not to fall apart in tears every day. You know, I'll tell you how. I think about all the women who have come before me that have done the same exact thing, except in much worse times. Like my Grandma, who took a train from Utah to meet her sailor in Virginia before he got on that aircraft carrier. And that when she got there, that sailor had a ring, flowers and someone to marry them, which she did. My other Grandma sent her husband off to Korea six weeks after they were married, and he was on the front lines there, shooting off mortars, for the entire first year of their marriage. I think about how they had to wait weeks for letters, and only have small black and white photo's to get them through. I think about almost every one of the friends I have made since we joined the Army has sent their husband to either Iraq, Afghanistan, or another part of the world. If they can all do it, I can. I also have all this amazing technology that allows him to call me anywhere I am now that we have cell phones. We can use Skype and look at each other while we're talking, and have my kids be able to see their dad on the computer. And how the USO lets the soldiers make DVD's of them reading four or five books and then sends the DVD with one of the books included to the families so that their dad can read to them anytime.

I can do this. It will suck. It DOES suck. Some days I will want to hide. Some days will be amazing. Some days my heart will ache because he is missing all of this.

In the meantime, I'm hoping to work on some things, make some changes, and hopefully when he comes back I'll be a better me. And maybe have figured out how to make a good loaf of bread.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

All I can handle

My kids and I have been having a fantastic time on our road trip. We've seen numerous family and friends all over the place. We've been to the beach, swam until we were big wrinkles, played with Grandpas and Grandmas, aunts, uncles, and cousins. Took a few walks down memory lane for me, explored some new places, and was present for the sealing of a good friend. But today about did me in.

I had trouble sleeping last night, and I just couldn't figure out what the problem was. About 6am, I figured it out when Andrew woke up needing to throw up. And then he and I took turns using the toilet for either throwing up or that stuff that comes out the other end. We have spent the entire day laying around, going to the bathroom, and trying to figure out where the heck Lucy was since she was perfectly fine. I was supposed to start on my trek back to our house today, and that obviously did not happen.

You know, I just feel like I've had all I can take. I had to deliver a baby that was no longer alive, lived with my parents while my husband did officer training, had a father in law who was putting us through absolute hell all because he can't seem to make good financial decisions or save a penny, moved states, and now my husband is deployed. And gosh darn it, I just can't do anymore. This day about broke me. I sat on the toilet and just cried. I just wanted to go home, and I couldn't.

Now it's the end of the day and we've both had chicken soup and some crackers, and can stand up without feeling dizzy or needing to sit right back down. And now it doesn't feel so desperate. But really, I just cannot CANNOT handle any more. This was only one day, and a fairly short stomach bug, but it just pushed me over the edge of what I could handle. It's always the little things isn't it.

To quote one of my all time favorite books "Tomorrow is another day". And as long as there isn't any throw up or diarrhea, I think I just might be able to get through it.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Have you seen Tinkerbell?

My kids love the movie Tinkerbell. And normally movies made my Disney seem to be the happily-ever-after type, and those kinds of movies bother me. But Tinkerbell is different. There isn't a Prince Charming, there aren't any fancy dresses, no fairy godmother to make things different, and there aren't any princesses (because they are all fairies!!)

Here is what there IS in the movie: consequences to good and bad choices, accepting who we are and realizing that all of us have different talents, accepting that we don't have to be good at doing everything, and that no matter what our talent we are needed. While I doubt my 5 and 3 year old kids are really going to understand those concepts, I appreciate them in a children's movie. Oh, and the boy fairies work right along with the girl ones equally.:) Ok, so maybe some of it is a bit fairy tale like, but I sure hope Disney continues down this path of movies. It might convince me to actually take my kids to Disneyland sometime.

Here is my family doing the Hannah Montana Hoe Down Throw Down for our family skit at our family reunion. Notice my dad on the right in the white shirt hamming it up.:) I did not participate as Andrew had fallen asleep before any of the skits started, and was on my lap. The kid already weighs more than 50 pounds and when they are sleeping they weigh double!!!! My bum hurt with him on my lap!!! Anyway, enjoy.

Friday, August 7, 2009


We aren't too far from here...............

Or here.

So you'll have to forgive us for not being around too much. I'm sure I'll have much to blog about soon.

Be back in a bit.:)