This past Sunday, I found myself in a hole. A very dark, deep, hole. The phrase "in the depths of despair" comes to mind, although Anne was rarely actually in complete despair.:)
That morning, I had made a pretty darn good breakfast for the three of us. Scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon (the smell of which always makes me feel like a ten year old at my grandma's house), and banana oatmeal pancakes, and orange juice. Usually, we are a cereal for breakfast family. Anyway, while they were playing the morning away (we have late church) I was sitting at the computer, contemplating not going to church. I really did not want to. But we still went.
As always, getting out the door was a bit of a difficulty.
Got through church, and came home. Still could not figure out what my problem was. The kids were being kids. After we had a difficult bedtime (always a bit of a power struggle with that independent soul that is my daughter) I started going through my checklist of the usual reasons why I was feeling so down. I mean, I fleetingly considered packing up and going to my parents house so that they could take care of my kids for a while and I could just crawl somewhere and well, hide. So, down the checklist I went: reading scriptures daily check. saying my prayers check. going to the gym check. seeing the sun check. (the sun had been out for four days!!!) been productive check. (a friend had come and helped me get a ton done earlier that week and I was loving how my house was looking). And then I realized what it was. My journal.
I went and found it. It had been more than two weeks since I had written.
I then sat down and wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. 13 pages later, I felt like I had climbed out of my hole. And felt a million times lighter.
I wrote about so much stuff. About how I feel about all these people around me getting pregnant. About the valentines email I got from my husband. About a ton of other things. It was amazing.
note to self: write in your journal every few days so you don't go down the crazy path of considering moving in with your parents.
A Man By Any Other Name
3 hours ago