So, I admit it. I've got it. In varying degree's depending on the situation. When I fly (or someone I know is flying) I start to get physically sick. If I'm flying, it gets really bad. I'm always going to the bathroom, I can't eat or sleep. I try to read, and I can't focus. When we've gotten tornado warnings, I start doing the same things. My heart starts to race, too. In a car (those of you who have had me as your passenger can attest to this) I really struggle. I start telling the driver to put on the brake. I start to grab onto anything I can, and I start to see pictures in my head of twisted metal, dead bodies in the road. I really feel as if I'm about to die.
When it comes to more every day things, cleaning and organizing are huge triggers. The other night, I had just come home from grocery shopping. I had gone to 3 different stores. And I needed to make dinner. It was so overwhelming to me. I could barely start it. My dinner ended up taking much longer than planned, and we had to have leftovers. My kitchen didn't even get cleaned up until the next day. Cleaning a bathroom is also a source of anxiety. I think mostly because as a kid, I never could do it right (according to someone else) and I am just grossed out by cleaning bathrooms in general, and so the fact that I can even do it now is a huge step. But it is still really hard. Cleaning out my car, doing almost anything from start to finish is difficult. I literally shut down.
Before, I just thought I was lazy, or cluttery, or messy. Mostly, my anxiety comes from things that I've had a bad experience (in 5 car accidents and never the driver, or flying through a snow storm and it felt like an earthquake for an hour) and then after that I have a hard time doing it.
Long story short: I NEED HELP!! And the best part is that I've started the process. I don't necessarily want to be on medication. But if that helps me, I'm willing. I hate that feeling of feeling like I'm going to die. I hate that almost choking feeling I get when I try and organize and clean up. (not every time, just the really big ones) I've made progress, but I need to find something, someway to do this better. I'm sure I'll post about any progress I make. But I feel better just knowing that I'll get help soon. I doubt that I'll ever be anxiety free (although wouldn't that be awesome!!!) but I could sure use less of it in my life.
The ApocEclipse that wasn’t
10 hours ago