Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Not me


I have come to my blog many times in the last few months and tried to think of something positive to write about, something fun, something great. And I always come up empty. And I have tried. But I just can't pretend that I am feeling a certain way when I'm not. I just can't. Not even on this blog. I don't know why.

I know I've talked about my FIL before. He continues to be a problem. He has become more manipulative. And it is just causing problems all over the place. We're all feeling it. I've been a single parent for the last three months, with a month or more to go. I am still recovering from losing my baby five months ago. I have anxiety problems that show up in almost every aspect of my life some days. And I'm living with my parents. Which is self explanatory. I just cannot take much more.

I've gotten good advice and help for all of these things. I'm seeing a therapist to help me with my anxiety and to help with dealing with postpartum issues. And all the other things on my list. I have tried to keep myself busy. I keep within the boundaries that I have set for myself regarding my parents and his parents. I haven't tried to make too many new friends here because, honestly, it can be exhausting. I know, because I've had to do it many many times. After all that other stuff, I just don't have it in me to put myself out there and try and be friends with people for only four or five months, just to leave and know that I'll never ever move back here. I focused on about two new people, and that seems to be working. I've just renewed some old friends. I make sure to read in my scriptures every morning, even if it's one little verse, and to make sure I have a good conversation with Him.

I have been loving the song Fly Away that Nicole Kidman sings in Moulin Rouge. My favorite line is "one day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday". Every day puts me one day closer to being rid of some of these problems. My anxiety won't go away, I'll still be struggling with my grief and how I feel when I see people with newborns. Matt's dad will still be causing problems, but at least Matt and I will be together and I won't have to be in such proximity to his dad. And while living together again after being apart for so long has it's own set of problems, I would take that over living at my parents and being the only one to be the parent.

I just feel a mess. And the only things that seem to help are sitting and cross stitching while listening to music. For some reason, cross stitching allows my thoughts to be free. I am able to resolve things in my mind or figure out how I feel about something or just find a peaceful place when I do it. I found sounds of the ocean online and so I have been listening to that a lot. Or my french music. Which, for some reason, can touch a place that english songs just don't get to. I have no idea why.

I do feel bad that my blog has ended up being so negative and depressing. I've tried at times to make it positive, uplifting.....and I fail miserably. This just might be growing pains. In ten years I might look back and realize how much I grew, how much I learned. Right now, I just want it to be over and done with. So I can get back to being Me. Because, I tell you, this. is. not. Me.


Mary Alice said...

You will get your groove back darling...keep the faith and keep poking under it all to find the little blessings. You are growing...we grow the most, unfortunately, when life really sucks. Sorry. I know. Sucks is not a nice word.

TJ said...

you're right, it does really suck. suck suck suck.

Shelly! said...

I agree with Mary Alice. In fact, I see you, the real you, every once and a while. Enough to know that you are still there. And when all this clears you'll be there again.

This post is beautiful TJ. I am glad you found the strength to write it and let yourself be open this way.