Reality

Our time here is quickly coming to an end. We only got our orders a week ago Friday, and we've spent a lot of the time since then figuring out things and frantically planning. I tried to plan, back when we had first found out where we were going. But things that I have no control over kind of took over, and I had to focus on other things.

Today as we took our van in to get a trailer hitch put on, things suddenly became very real. We are really leaving the area. We are really driving all the way across the United States with two kids and a trailer in the middle of winter. I am really going to be living with my parents while my husband goes to officer training schools. Andrew is really going to go to kindergarten at my old elementary school. I am going to live near the beach again. I will live an hour from my best friend. I will be going to church with people that have known me since I was 7 years old. All of this information in my head is about to make it explode.

I am excited yet terrified. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to move back in with my parents. The first time I went back wasn't exactly good. And the first time I stayed with them after we got back from Germany was a huge disaster. But for some reason, I feel like it will work this time. It will give some members of our families an opportunity to get to know us again, and to get to know the kids, whom they have never really known. (which, honestly, is their own darn fault. seriously people, pick up the phone and call and talk to your grandkids. it won't kill you.) We will be going to Disneyland (Lucy will die over the princesses, and I will be wishing she had never heard of them). If Matt is able to come for a weekend, I want to head down to Sea World where we get four free tickets once a year. I want to go to the beach and just sit and smell it. I want to drive on a freeway that doesn't circle around anything, and isn't four different roads, and has a decent speed limit. I want sun day after day after day. I want flip flops in February without being cold. I want to go to dinner at the restaurant I used to work at with my best friend once a month without kids. I want to meet my brothers wife and my sisters soon-to-be husband. (my brothers first anniversary is at the end of the month) I want my inlaws to see the little people inside the small bodies of my kids. I want to eat at In-n-out once a week and dip my fries into my strawberry shake. I want to take my kids to the beach and look for seashells and to check out the tidepools. I want to eat a good fish taco.

There are two things, ok, possibly three things that I'm hoping. First, I'm hoping I don't revert back to my old self when I step into my parents house. I have to remember that I am a 30 year old (seriously, how...when???) mother of two small children. And that I can do pretty much anything. I don't want to forget all the things I've learned about myself, about my mother, and how to deal with our day to day interaction. Second, I like most of my past to stay in my past. I don't like seeing people from high school that I haven't seen since then. I didn't like who I was then, and I am nothing like that person now. I'm one of those people that will "ignore" friend requests on facebook or myspace. I don't add people if I haven't talked to them in over 5 years. And sometimes even less than that. I guess the big reason is what I talked about already. The fear of reverting back to the person I was then. No thank you. Third, I'm really really hoping my inlaws take advantage of this time. They are not good long distance grandparents. In fact, I don't think they have spoken to my kids more than maybe once this whole year. I come from a family that keeps in touch, that calls, and is more or less aware of things going on within the family. My husband comes from people that have been divorced multiple times, whose parents weren't very good parents either (and consequently crappy grandparents to my husband and his sibs), and who are pretty darn selfish. They really have no idea how to be parents or grandparents. They rarely call, and it's not because it's expensive to call us. My husband doesn't call them, and I've finally decided that it isn't my job to keep them up to date on our little happenings. I hope that they are able to step it up for the short time we'll be there. I'm hoping that they will come to my parents house, that they will invite us over, that they will want to do things with us regularly. But while I hope they will, the reality is they might do a little bit, but not really very much. I will have to endure the never ending speaking of his father, who also doesn't hear a thing that you say when you try to get a word in. I will have to endure the whining of his mother. The behavior of his very bipolar sister. And his recovering alcoholic brother who is just a sweet guy, but you wonder what is going on in his head sometimes. It is a little overwhelming. But I'm doing my best having a good attitude about all of it.

Overall, I am looking forward to living there again, just for a little while.

Next week, around Christmas, say a prayer or send good thoughts in my direction that the weather won't be bad, that my kids handle the travel well, and that I don't get my husband too upset at me because I get so anxious as a passenger. And that we will get there in plenty of time so that my husband makes his flight, and gets some time with his family. I will be so glad when this move is all over.