A few pics

So, I've noticed that my blog has been pretty bland lately. No pictures or anything. Thought I would share these.

This is me and my BF, and then all our kids. Her dad took the pictures. He did fairly well considering he had to get four kids to all look the same way at the same time. They did pretty good. Can't wait to have my printer so that I can put them up.

Other random things:
We have signed our rental agreement, and we have a place to live!! Unfortunately, when the movers came to take our stuff away, the people in charge neglected to tell my husband (because I wasn't there) that he had to call them to have them ship it. So, while we have a house to live in, we have very little with which to fill it. I was so looking forward to my cal king bed!!! But good friends here are letting us borrow some bedding things and a small table so that we don't have to eat on the floor.

There is a farmers Co-op here!!!! I keep passing it and I'm very excited to go in and see what they have there. I would love to see if they have a basket that you get every few weeks with fresh, local fruit and veggies that I can just sign up for.

This town is small. Very small. Smaller than I have ever lived in. It will take some getting used to. I'm used to Target and pretty much everything else being down the street. Now it's going to be a fifteen to twenty minute drive. But that will just keep me from spending lots of money, right?

Yet again, we have lots of new adventures ahead of us. I find it interesting that we have lived in so many different parts of the country. Our moves aren't close. They seem to be out of the country or on the other side of the country. I hope I get used to this one. The lack of sun here might do me in. But if I can pretend it's Germany or France (without the awesome things that are in both countries) I might be able to do it. My kids seem to be able to move from one climate to another without problems. Wish I could acclimate so easily.

No more driving

We have arrived. We are in where our new home will be for the next few years. We already went to look at a few homes this morning, and have started the process of getting into one.

We are staying with some very nice friends. Who watched our kids so that we could go without children to look at homes. The weather is less than awesome, and I'll just have to get used to it. And another exciting thing about our new home are these people. We passed by her store today. I'm sure I will learn more as we live here longer. Honestly, my first impression is to laugh. But at the same time, the LDS church believes the Father and Son appeared to Joseph Smith. While slightly more believable than those of this other belief system, I will just have to do my best to be respectful, and take them seriously. Because that is what I would wish from them regarding my beliefs.

It shouldn't be too bad here. I will have enough friends to keep me busy, and a nice big house to decorate and furnish. Ok, not completely, but enough furniture so that we have places for people to sit when they come over. I think a trip to Ikea is in order. And to the big city where Ikea is. Because I've never been to that big city. And I am a city girl. Even if I end up living in the sticks for the next little while.

Thoughts while driving in a car alone

I was lucky enough to be able to drive without anyone else in the car today. We are currently driving two cars, and Matt said that he would drive the van with the trailer and children so that I could have some quiet time.

It was just me and NPR (at least once I found it) and my snacks. And the occasional phone call to Matt asking him why he kept drifting. Or where the heck did the car charger go.

I don't get much time alone, in the car or not. I had about a million things going on in my head. Thinking about where we're going to stop. Hoping that the giant big rig truck with 3 trailers behind it doesn't cut me off. Thinking about how we're all together again. The joy of knowing my husband is dealing with the kids all by himself. Wondering if we'll have to live in a hotel for a month. Again. Hoping that we find a house that both of us like. Occasionally talking to friends.

And did you know that Boise isn't even that big? Only 5 exits off the freeway.

And why the heck didn't the White House tell New York they would be doing that flyby? I mean, the mayor didn't even know.

Swine flu? Not that I was going to Mexico any time soon, but now I REALLY won't go. For a while.

And did anyone doubt that the Lakers would beat the Jazz? I mean, really. It's only the beginning of the fourth, and they're up by 19. And I like Phil Jackson without the mustache. Not a fan of facial hair.

So, those are a few thoughts. And, we're currently staying in the nicest Motel 6 I've ever been in. Hardwood floors in the room and bathroom. Or maybe it's laminate. But it looks nice. Clean sheets. Clean bathroom. Could use a few more electrical outlets though. More driving tomorrow. Hopefully I can find NPR again.

Kiss me through the phone

This little video is of my husband. These last few months, he has made a few little video's that he has sent to us. Mostly for the kids to see dad. But then he's made a few that he's posted to facebook that he thinks are hilarious. I don't know if you know this song (I didn't, and I think it's funnier if you go and listen to the real one first before you watch this) but watching Matt do a rap song with a guitar is kind of funny. Oh, and his roommate just decided to do backup while he was recording. This is what happens when I tell him he's spending too much money going out and needs to stop. Enjoy.

Oh, the song is by Soulja Boy and it's called Kiss me through the phone.

Last minute stuff

I've been trying to pack up for the last few days. Trying to not make it be all at the end, and rushing around like a crazy person and staying up too late. And I haven't done half bad. Most our clothes are packed. I bought a few 18 gallon bins to put stuff in. I've reserved our trailer, but they called today and said I have to go out to Timbucktoo to get it, AND the size I wanted they don't have but they'll upgrade me to the next size up for no extra charge. Yeah, you better. I've also cleaned the sink and the toilet in the bathroom we use. Although the sink already has yuck stuff in it from the kids brushing their teeth. I've done some research on hotels we can stay in once we've arrived. I've attempted to plan our weekend. (I'm meeting Matt halfway instead of him coming here) And I have a feeling I'll still be running around going nuts tomorrow. Somehow I always manage to do what needs to be done. And I hit Donutman and In-n-out today. And I had me some fish tacos last night. I think I'm set.

But all this is worth it to be a family together again. I just might be more excited than the kids.

Yesterday

This was our day yesterday. Sand. Cold ocean. Saw dolphins. More sand. Sailboats. Sand. And I perfectly parralell parked my Honda Odyssey van in Newport Beach. I rock.

To those that also read my family blog: There are changes coming. Hopefully as soon as this weekend. Haven't decided yet if I'm just going to go private with it or slurp everything into a new blog address. I'll try to send out emails, and if it's a new address, I'll post it here too.

Good

Today is going to be a good day. It is already a little warm outside. The sun is shining. I hear birds chirping. (seriously, I really do) Other people are going to wash my car this morning. I'm going to the beach this afternoon. I started packing up stuff yesterday. I reserved the trailer I'm going to rent. I'm going to go to H&M Monday night. And at this time next week, I will be with my husband.

Last time I talk about this. Promise.

I know I keep talking about my father in law. And I'm sorry about yet another post with him in it. Hopefully this one will be the last one.

Throughout this entire thing, I have hardly said a thing to him about anything. Yet, I'm getting blamed for everything. I haven't written any mean horrible emails, I haven't left any messages. And some of the emails we've received have been really bad. So bad that I have really had a hard time NOT responding to them. I've only had one moment of weakness, and I quickly stopped that. But I am just dying inside to write him an email. I would really love to go over to his house and tell him to his face rather than send some passive aggressive email. He has big words (albeit misspelled and very bad grammar) sitting at a computer, but isn't man enough to call and speak to his son. Or to me. He is such a coward. And while it isn't very Christlike, I am just dying to do it. I want to have my voice heard. But at the same time, sometimes saying nothing says more than words can ever say. This has been, for me, a huge exercise in self control. At least with my words.

As you saw in my other post, his sister has not been making very good choices either.

There is a strange sort of beauty in the whole situation. Something that I have known for years (that his dad and sister are crazy) came out all by itself. Nothing I ever said to Matt has made a difference. But they exposed themselves to show what they really were without any help from me. So, I guess if you leave crazy people alone long enough, even if others don't agree with you, they will eventually expose themselves to what they really are. Because situations are going to come up, and the craziness is going to come out.

I am closing this chapter of our lives. I hope to never have to revisit it. Now, on to the forgiving part of it all.......sigh....

Poetry

My husband isn't someone who talks a whole lot. Some people think he is quite the introvert. But. The reality is that he is a huge ham that makes lots of jokes. When it comes to his feelings about things, I usually have to drag it out of him. One of the reasons why I think he's this way is because his dad talks incessantly. Seriously. He'll call, and Matt will try to say something at least five times, and his dad will just run him over with conversation. Anyway, Matt doesn't talk much about how he feels about things. This week, I got an email from him with the subject line "poem". I open it, and find that he has written me a poem. A real one. One that he said he might put to music sometime. And while it isn't perfect, and some of the lines don't really rhyme like a song would, it was awesome. He might not say much, but there is a lot going on in there. My favorite lines are this:

I miss going to church with you

I miss eating your crock pot stew

Not all of them are like this, there is a lot more real feeling in the rest of it. But these really made me laugh. We have about a week before we're all a family again. Well, at least until he deploys, whenever that is. And I can't wait.

Getaway

The first weekend in April was my birthday. And shortly after that was my due date. Two big days, one good and one not so good.
When I first came to So Cal, my BF told me that she had already asked her husband if she could use some of his hotel points (he travels a lot for his work) to take me away for a night. We decided to go to Santa Barbara, one of our favorite places to go. We had gone there for our senior trip (just her, me and her cousin) and had a great time. And I haven't been there since our honeymoon, almost eight years ago.

This was our hotel room. Specifically, my bed. But hers looked exactly the same.

Santa Barbara is a rather hippy place (which is a nice change) and there was this guy on State Street holding this sign. We ate right across from him and there were many people that came and got a hug. He had more signs, and others came up and held those signs. So there were up to four people all holding Free Hug signs. I didn't feel very huggy, so we did not go and get one. But it sure was interesting to watch.

These are the awesome Portuguese liquid soaps that I did not buy. But that I really really wanted to. They had other bar soaps that smelled heavenly. But I was very good and didn't buy them. Even though normally they were each almost $20 and they were marked down to about $4.

The weekend was very very nice. My BF's husband watched all four of our kids so that we could do this. (he survived and said he would do it again.) We went to dinner at a restaurant where Shell heard someone close by us say that I looked familiar and then said I looked like Julia Roberts. HA!!! I look nothing like her. But it was a nice compliment. We spent more than an hour in Barnes and Noble looking at home decorating books, french magazines, and then asking a couple next to us what language they were speaking. It was Russian. They were nice. We sat on the beach and saw something making these huge splashes way far out in the water. But couldn't see what it was. Then, driving home, we saw TWO different schools of dolphins jumping out of the water. I love the 101. I wish I could drive that every day. Even in traffic. Who can get upset with that beautiful ocean right next to you? It was such a nice break (wish I could do it every month) and I'm so glad we were able to do it.
Shell posted pictures of the outside of our hotel (which was huge and awesome) here.

Maybe in another ten years we can go back.

This week is done

I am so glad it's Sunday night. This week has just been crap. With some good parts, like going to the San Diego Zoo with my sister in law that isn't crazy. And driving out to my BF's house and taking the kids to get their hair cut. And then savoring the 45 seconds that all four of our kids had full mouths and it was silent while at Taco Bell. Yesterday I vacuumed out my car and it felt so good. I'm hoping I can keep it from being a complete disaster before we leave here.

An update: Matt and I have figured out what we are going to do. And what our relationship will be with them for a while. While I know I need to forgive, I just refuse to put myself or my family into a relationship that just isn't good. I'll work on forgiving them, and then I'll keep us far away from their craziness. And moving away from here will just make me feel better. The crazy sister in law texted me today with "I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings." How lame is that. A text? But, that is probably the best she can do. Which in and of itself is just sad.

This week ahead will be a million times better.

I can't sleep

For the first time in a long time, I can't sleep. And I know why. My husbands father and sister are making things very difficult for us. His sister shouldn't even be involved, but she insists on sending these really horrible emails. His dad was trying to extort money out of us, by claiming the money he gave us six years ago was for his taxes. And by giving us that money, he wasn't able to pay his taxes. And so somehow we are responsible for those penalties. My husbands father is incredibly manipulative. He has not dealt with this honestly, and while he did give us the money, he is now insisting it was a loan. We are willing to pay it back, but his dad has behaved so abominably, that my husband isn't very willing to give him anything. I knew that I would be blamed for all of this. I saw that coming. But I don't think anything truly prepares you for the horrible things that people say. My heart is breaking for my husband. He never could see what his family really was like, especially his dad. And he has to deal with all this while trying to finish up and officer training course. Not to mention that yesterday was his birthday and his sister put in the subject line of her last email "hello and happy birthday matt (i love you)", but the email was full of things like "Terina you are a beautiful woman but I'm sorry you are not in the working world and have no idea whats going on as far as a workinig person. I may be laid off in July. You should stay in your nest and mind your own business." (I copied and pasted that, hence the spelling mistake) The feminist in me is roaring. And, admittedly, I am no feminist. It is so easy to say things like "sticks and stones will break my bones, but words will never hurt me". But I feel like curling up into a ball in my bed and just crying and crying. Matt and I have decided to leave much sooner than originally thought, and I cannot wait to put thousands of miles between us and them. My husband has no desire to even see his family. While all the details of this would never fit into a blog post, like the reason why all of a sudden, six years later his dad is insisting it was a loan and not a gift, I know that Matt and I are making the right choices. It's just hard to be logical and unemotional. Especially at four, five and six am. The good thing that has come out of this, is that Matt and I have worked together, discussing everything (when we're able anyway), and making sure we're on the same page. I've let him respond to everything. What they don't know, is while they are trying to tear us apart, they are actually pushing us closer, and we are working as one. I will be away from my computer all day. It will be good for me, but I'm sure it will hold many more horrible emails by the end of the day. I just hope I'm up to all this. Lots and lots of deep breaths......

Just for Rachel

A few weeks ago, I picked up a few friends from the docks out here. He had come home from deployment not too long before, and they went on a week long cruise (without children) to celebrate him coming home. They docked fairly early in the morning, but their flight out of LAX wasn't until the afternoon. So she called me up, and I went out there and got them. We didn't do too much because she was worried about being too far away from the airport. We did hit Carls Jr (which is just not the same as going to Hardee's) and then we hung out at my grandma's house. Which didn't end up being too bad. You never know what you're going to get these days when you go and visit grandma..... Anyway, it was fun to see old friends and just hang out. We took these pictures as I was dropping them off at the airport. The sun was in our faces, hence all the squinting. But not too bad.:) So Rach, this is for you. Do you miss us???

Not me

Blech.

I have come to my blog many times in the last few months and tried to think of something positive to write about, something fun, something great. And I always come up empty. And I have tried. But I just can't pretend that I am feeling a certain way when I'm not. I just can't. Not even on this blog. I don't know why.

I know I've talked about my FIL before. He continues to be a problem. He has become more manipulative. And it is just causing problems all over the place. We're all feeling it. I've been a single parent for the last three months, with a month or more to go. I am still recovering from losing my baby five months ago. I have anxiety problems that show up in almost every aspect of my life some days. And I'm living with my parents. Which is self explanatory. I just cannot take much more.

I've gotten good advice and help for all of these things. I'm seeing a therapist to help me with my anxiety and to help with dealing with postpartum issues. And all the other things on my list. I have tried to keep myself busy. I keep within the boundaries that I have set for myself regarding my parents and his parents. I haven't tried to make too many new friends here because, honestly, it can be exhausting. I know, because I've had to do it many many times. After all that other stuff, I just don't have it in me to put myself out there and try and be friends with people for only four or five months, just to leave and know that I'll never ever move back here. I focused on about two new people, and that seems to be working. I've just renewed some old friends. I make sure to read in my scriptures every morning, even if it's one little verse, and to make sure I have a good conversation with Him.

I have been loving the song Fly Away that Nicole Kidman sings in Moulin Rouge. My favorite line is "one day I'll fly away, leave all this to yesterday". Every day puts me one day closer to being rid of some of these problems. My anxiety won't go away, I'll still be struggling with my grief and how I feel when I see people with newborns. Matt's dad will still be causing problems, but at least Matt and I will be together and I won't have to be in such proximity to his dad. And while living together again after being apart for so long has it's own set of problems, I would take that over living at my parents and being the only one to be the parent.

I just feel a mess. And the only things that seem to help are sitting and cross stitching while listening to music. For some reason, cross stitching allows my thoughts to be free. I am able to resolve things in my mind or figure out how I feel about something or just find a peaceful place when I do it. I found sounds of the ocean online and so I have been listening to that a lot. Or my french music. Which, for some reason, can touch a place that english songs just don't get to. I have no idea why.

I do feel bad that my blog has ended up being so negative and depressing. I've tried at times to make it positive, uplifting.....and I fail miserably. This just might be growing pains. In ten years I might look back and realize how much I grew, how much I learned. Right now, I just want it to be over and done with. So I can get back to being Me. Because, I tell you, this. is. not. Me.