Absent

Sorry haven't been around here much. This has been a roller coaster week. With even some upside down moments. Here is the boring and not so boring parts of the week.

~Our internet has been slow slow slow. Which is just irritating.

~I've been busy with old and new friends.

~Andrew dissappeared while I ran to the store. My mom was home with them, and he decided to follow me. We found him, after 20 minutes of the most anxious-panic-stricken-sick-to-my-stomach searching, around the corner twice. He had a guardian angel who had noticed him, but just followed him in her car to make sure he was safe. She was actually a parent of another kid at his school I had seen while at the store. This was an upside down moment.

~I got my hair trimmed, finally.

~I bought Matt his plane ticket home. Which even though it is a month before he gets here, I'm already planning things out.

~Have spent many hours with BF and all our kids. Somewhat surreal at times, but good.

~Have begun my search of someone to help me with my anxiety problem. Which reminds me, I need to make a phone call to someone.....

I am rarely this busy in our normal life, mostly because I don't know near as many people where we live. Here, I know people all over the place, and they all want to see us.:) OK, I flatter myself, but really, it's mostly me wanting to see them. I don't know if I always want weeks where I'm this busy, but it sure does make the time pass. I am off to see another friend tonight, and tomorrow I am going to go and have my car washed at Andrews school. They are having a charity car wash to benefit this family. Some of the children in the family attended schools in our district.

I promise not to be absent this week.

Feeling like a Newlywed

I just bought Matt a ticket back here. And I've been looking up places for he and I to stay for a night without our kids. I've been looking up B&B's, and boy, some of them are expensive. But it has gotten me really excited about him coming and for having some time alone with him without our kids in the next room. Next step is to talk to my parents to see if they are able to watch the kids that night and take them to church the next day. You know, I almost feel like I'm going on my honeymoon. Because we've never done this. We've stayed in plenty of hotels, (more than I thought I ever would) but the kids have always been there. It's over a month from now, but I'm already excited.

Happy anniversary to me

Today is the two year anniversary of my very first blog post. And since it was really lame, I'm not even going to link to it.

Thank you bloggy friends for being my friends. I love every minute of this blogging thing.

Rain

It's rainy and dreary here today. It was rainy a bit yesterday too. And the day before that wasn't terribly sunny. Days like this start to wreak havoc with my mental state, and I can start spiraling down down down. So, I am wearing a bright colored shirt today. Hopefully that helps the blue's to not be so close. It doesn't help that I have had a headache since yesterday........

It's back!!!!!!

Burn Notice is back tomorrow night!!!!! I am thrilled!!!! The only part that is not thrilling is that my parents have 1) a really crappy tv and 2) no DVR with which to record and then watch later fastforwarding through all the dumb commercials. I watch so few tv shows now. In fact, today I watched TNT for the first time in a month. PBS kids shows doesn't count right? Anyway, you know what I'll be doing tomorrow night. I'll have to go and get me some treats. Too bad I don't know anyone around here that watches it. I could have a little party.:)

The hardest part

I am living in a civilian world. Which is very weird. I'm getting a bit tired of having to explain every thing to every one every time I see someone for the first time. The part where their face contorts into a sad/oh-that-must-be-so-hard/feel-sorry-for-me face is when I explain that my husband and I won't see each other for a while.

Really people, it isn't that hard. It isn't at all. While I miss him, especially his foot rubs and his hugs, I am perfectly fine. And it isn't because I'm living with my parents and they help me. Because they don't. Hardly at all. They don't give the kids baths, or put them to bed, get them dressed, or feed them all their meals. My mom does her laundry on one day and I do mine on a different one. I help Andrew with his homework. I take them with me almost every where I go, unless I ask if I can leave one or both. I am perfectly fine without my husband. While there are other adults in the house, my mom frequently is gone teaching quilting or working at the quilt shop. My dad works every day, and has church responsibilities on a few evenings a week. They don't help me get them ready for church on Sunday. Unless my mom WANTS to do Lucy's hair. I sure don't, but I do comb it!!

Here is the hardest part. Living with my parents. Having to remember that I have to read my mom's mind because otherwise I'll get in trouble for not doing something that I wasn't told about, yet expected to do without knowing beforehand. Her treating me as if I were about 15 years old at random times, when I'm twice that. Going to church with them isn't that bad. It's just the people that I knew, that were my age, that are STILL there. Or that they came back. And that I didn't exactly like them, or ever care to see them again. Yet, there they are and they keep talking to me.

Living without your spouse is just part of being in the military. If you can't hack it, you're in the wrong place. I've seen women completely fall apart when their husbands leave for a training exercise or deploy. I've heard women whine and complain about their husbands being gone SO much. And I just want to shake them. HELLO!!!! You're in the military. Get used to it. No, it isn't easy, sometimes it's really hard, but come on. ALL of our husbands have to leave at some point. If we work together as wives and help each other out when things come up, we can do it. There is nothing that makes me feel as good as watching a friends kids so that she can have a break. Or being able to listen to a friend because she needs to talk. Or inviting a friend over for dinner and giving her the gift of having a dish free evening. I LOVE it.

Living in this civilian world is a little tricky too. I can drive pretty fast through housing areas. They are policeman, not MP's. (which I am still saying, as are my kids) I don't have to show my ID card when I go home. Grocery store prices are unbelievable. Seriously people, how do you afford these prices? Except for Trader Joe's milk. Super cheap and good. There aren't parks everywhere. I mean, there are a few, but on a military post in housing, there are a ton. I could walk to about four from our house in NC. In Germany, there were parks next to every building. Few things are within walking distance here. It is strange to live here.

Matt will be able to come home for a weekend, and he might be able to get here for a few days at the end of February. (and yes Mary Alice, I'm planning on a hotel for that night.) And maybe one other time after that. And yes, he will most likely deploy next year sometime. But that is my life. (not that I like having my husband in a war zone, but that is part of his job.) And believe it or not, I actually like my husband MORE when we've been apart. We need those breaks. It works for us. It isn't for everyone.

I'm hoping those people will soon see that I'm just fine and I don't need their pity and they don't need to feel sorry for me. I am a strong woman. While I have my little breakdowns here and there, I'll be just fine. If you want to do something for me, have me over to just chat. Or to let my kids play with yours. Or offer to watch my kids for an hour. Or whatever. Or just be my friend. That's all I need.

Why I will never read Stephanie Meyer and never again read Nicolas Sparks

Have any of you read Stephanie Meyer??? OK, I know about half of you have. And I've talked to many people that have. And I just can't do it. At first, it was just because everyone else was reading it. I'm just stubborn that way. But I find it hard to want to read a book that, from what those who have read it tell me, is written for the teenager sort of crowd.

I just expect a lot out of a book. I expect it to be written well, that it have a plot that is tight, and has characters with depth. I don't like fantasy. I don't like the Disney/fairytale happy endings. So, I just don't think anything Twilight related is going to work for me. It just isn't. I mean, people, I don't even care for Harry Potter. It's not terrible (although I suspect is far and above a better written book than the Twilight series) I just don't go in for that kind of stuff. I know, I'm nuts. Whatever.

I will admit, I have read one Nicolas Sparks book. It was about this firefighter guy who had lost his dad in a fire and this girl with a son who didn't speak much and was trying to make it on her own.......while there were some real life things that happened (the firefighters bf died in a fire) the ending was just dripping with unrealistichappyendingnonsense. I have seen The Notebook. And while that story is a great story, it still isn't that realistic. At least to me. It just seems that the guy keeps writing the same lame story over and over with the same happy ending business but with different names, different places and different sad stories that somehow magically end up well. It kind of makes me sick. I will never read his books again. It gets boring. And when you read too much of that kind of nonsense (and other romance novels) I can't see how you don't start to buy into that kind of thing. Or at least have that expectation in your lives. And yeah, not everyone will, but it's got to mess with your head right? Same with Danielle Steel. Same story, different title, different characters. Although I haven't read her in years, so perhaps she has changed. I doubt it though. Those mass producers of books can't help but have the same stuff in every book. How else would they have put out so many?? (jodie picoult, nicolas sparks, danielle steel, mary higgens clark, and some others that I can't think of right now)

So, what do I read? A huge variety of things. I read historical fiction, historical nonfiction, just plain fiction......I choose carefully, but if there is France, or Paris involved, sometimes I buy it just for that. Which doesn't always make it a good book! But. I guess that is my form of escapism. Running away to Paris. OK, back to the books I read. I have in my pile at the moment John Adams, 1776, World Without End, The Matchmaker of Perigord, The Duchess, and....some other ones. I try and expand my knowledge with my reading, not just escape. I've read some of the knock offs of Pride and Prejudice. I've read Flags of our Fathers. I've read an historical fiction book series about Ireland and how it has been trying to get out from under the very large boot of the UK. I've read The Devil Wears Prada. (I laughed out loud on that one) I read PS I love you years before it was even made into a movie.

So, call me prejudiced, close minded, whatever. I will never read Stephanie Meyer or Nicolas Sparks ever. I just have better books waiting for me to read.......

(if you have read the above books, I am not trying to put you down in any way. I'm just talking about why I will not read these books. no offense bella and edward.........)

Things I am just loving about living here

I know I have complained a lot about having to live here, mostly because I'm nearer to some family members. But there are some fabulous things about living here......

~Freeways. I know some people hate them, but I love them. And the fact that they have more than two lanes going the same direction is awesome. It took a few times of driving them to get used to it again, but it's just like riding a bike.

~Sun sun sun sun sun sun sun sun. Warmth warmth warmth warmth.

~Best friend is about an hour away. We're in the same time zone.

~Trader Joe's.

~Sprouts

~Sun sun sun sun sun

~H&M is only a 15 minute drive.

~I already have friends. I don't have to make any effort (well, nowhere near as much) as I normally do when living in a new place.

~El Pollo Loco

~In-n-out. (i tell you, their strawberry shakes are the best ever)

~I will be able to take my kids to the beach! A lot hopefully!

~Huntington Library, Arboretum, Norton Simon Museum, California Science Center, Travel Town, LA Natural History Museum, Griffith Park Observatory, La Brea Tar Pits........

~Disneyland, Sea World, LA and San Diego Zoo's, Wild Animal Park, Santa Monica Pier, Long Beach Aquarium..........

~Fish tacos. Real good awesome authentic mexican food.

~So many choices of pretty much anything.

I just hope we have have enough time here to do all the things I want to do. We've been to In-n-out several times, and only once to El Pollo Loco. My SIL got each kid a one day pass to the San Diego Zoo and the Wild Animal Park, so I know they'll get to those. I would love to take them to the tar pits. And the Arboretum is so so so close. I found out that if I head over to an MWR office at either LA Air Force Base or at March Air Reserve I can get discounted tickets to several places. So, I've got a few hookups. Anyone want to come with us??? :)

I am also going to put Lucy into a dance class, and Andrew possibly into gymnastics. We'll have to think about that one. One great thing about being here is that many friends have kids around the same age. So we don't have to go through a long wait, like we always had to before, to find new friends.

And, did I mention the sun??????

I don't get a break

Last Sunday, I saw the bishop of our ward, and stepped out of Sunday School to talk to him, and let him know that I was going to be around for a while. I told him that they could put me to work. An hour and a half later, I had been put to work. Usually they would wait for our records before they would give me a calling. (a responsibility at church). Nope. Not me. I'm so well known in these parts.......

Anyway, they asked me to do the same thing I was doing in North Carolina. Which I could almost do half asleep. Playing the piano in almost any capacity at church is not difficult for me.

Tomorrow will be my first day, and hopefully it will go smoothly.

Update on my rant

Talked to Matt this morning, and among other things we talked about, I told him about his dad not being willing to come over here. Matt said that he was probably uncomfortable over here. I then explained to Matt that I wasn't that comfortable over at his dad's house either, but that I go anyway, especially when Matt is around, because Matt wants to see his dad. And we usually go as a family. I also told Matt that I am willing to drive down there, but if his dad isn't willing, I just don't see how it's right that I always have to go over there. So. He said he would ask his dad about it. We'll see what his dad says to him. I did bring up the fact we (as in Matt and I) drove 2500 miles so that we could live near our families, and I think his dad can drive the ten or whatever it is once a month over here to see his grandkids. He seemed to get that. Matt I mean. So, once Matt talks to his dad, we'll see if his dad calls me or not. And when he calls, I'm going to be ready. I am going to stand my ground. And Matt sounded like he understood. And the fact he is willing to talk to his dad about it is awesome. So. I feel a tad better. Thank you for all of your comments yesterday. They have given me a lot to think about. I am going to make some decisions regarding the time we spend there, how often we go, and I am going to stick to it.

It has begun (warning: lots of ranting. but i feel a little better now)

It is late as I'm posting this, and maybe I shouldn't post this at all. Some of you might wonder where that nice girl Terina has gone. She dissappears occasionally when she has to deal with things like this. I will bring nice Terina back for my next post. And hopefully I'll be over this by then and can move on.


My inlaws never cease to amaze me. And not always in a good way. I have been trying very hard to keep my expectations very very low so as to not give me undue and very unnecessary frustration. Yet, here it comes, rearing it's nasty dirty ugly head.

I almost feel as if I need to explain to them something that is very very basic. That I just drove over 2500 miles to come and live here. In three days. That is almost as many miles as you need to go between oil changes. (which reminds me.......) I did not do that because I HATED North Carolina and I HATED living on a military post. I could have stayed there, most happily, with my stuff and my DVR (oh how I miss thee DVR) without Matt and without anyone telling me when to do the dishes perfectly fine. I chose to come out here for several reasons. One is that we'll eventually be on the west coast and I didn't want to have to figure out how to get from NC to our new home by myself with kids and stuff. I am much much closer here and the drive (when we actually move there) will be considerably less difficult than the one all of us just participated in. Another fairly big reason, is that I want my kids to have the opportunity to get to know their family. They know them a little, but not a lot. And since I grew up near a lot (a lot a lot) of family, I know how great it can be. As with any relationship, there has to be a give and take kind of thing. For example, one side should not always be the one driving out to the other. One side should not always be the one calling and making the effort to see the other. Sometimes one does it more than the other. Just the natural ebb and flow of things. It is fabulous that way.

Here is where I draw the line. I called up one of my inlaws today, and made a suggestion of having a set day once a week or month or every other week, where one or the other drives to the others place of residence. This person pretty much said no. The word "no" wasn't actually used, but the words were "thats your moms house, and if you come here, we can all just be here and let the kids play" or something lame like that. Pretty much saying that they aren't comfortable coming here. And not only that, but they aren't willing to come over. But I can go over there any time.

I don't even know what to do with that. Going there is one of my least favorite things to do. It is overwhelming, irritating, and just plain mind numbing. There isn't very much conversation. And I can't really be myself there. Usually I just keep to myself, sitting on the couch cross stitching the time away, occasionally getting up to make sure my kids are close by, and not saying much in general. But I still go. Because they are my husbands family.

I want to call this person and explain how I drove that many miles, and that they can drive the 10 or so it is between houses to come and visit my kids every once in a while. And if that is impossible, then I guess they won't be seeing us terribly often. I am so mean. But I really really wish I could do this. I'm going to sit on this new information for a few days before I say or do anything that might come back and bite me in the butt. But I sure won't be going over there any time soon. Thank goodness I have things to do for the next few days.

Why do these things have to be so difficult? I get being uncomfortable. I get that. But I still go to these crazy peoples homes and endure the craziness around me. I am not comfortable doing so so many things. But these are your grandkids people. And who knows how often you'll see them once we're gone. Get off your butt and make an effort.

I don't read much about other peoples inlaws. Are yours awesome? Near perfect? Or do they read your blog and you can't talk about them there? Or do you just not care about it? Another good question is why do I let this bother me. There are a couple of answers to that question. 1. I haven't had to deal with them so closely for five years. I'm out of practice. 2. Perhaps, as low as they were, my expectations were still too high. 3. Things bother me. They just do. And lack of willingness to visit grandchildren kind of ranks pretty high on my list of things that bother me. If you have words of advice, or if you can only say 'good luck' and thank your lucky starts your inlaws don't behave like this, you are welcome to leave a comment. Sigh. Maybe someday I won't care so much about this kind of stuff......

I had completely forgotten about this

My first Sunday at church was last Sunday. It was mostly good. I saw lots and lots of people that I have known for at least 10-20 years, saw many kids that I taught the piano, chatted with some old friends, and heard the words "Prop 8" in all three meetings.

I heard it once in sacrament meeting. Then the teacher said it during Sunday school. And in Relief Society, the teacher also mentioned it. I know every single one of those people. And generally I like them. Some of them I like a lot. But it kind of made me a little sick in my tummy.

I hate Prop 8. I hate that someone had to put it on the ballot. I hate that people talk about it at church from the pulpit. I hate that this even has to be an issue. I hate all the fear mongering on both sides from all of it.

So, now that I have woken up to this, I have decided something. I will not discuss it with anyone. It isn't anyone else's business how I feel about it, especially on something that has caused such a division in people. It is between me and God and the ballot box. (ok, I didn't vote, but hypothetically, it is really between those three of us. no one else.)

All I can hope for is that the next time this comes up (because it will. this isn't ever going to stop) that I will not be in California. Or anywhere near it.

Delurker Day 09

It is Delurker Day 09 today!!! Well, I didn't even know this existed until less than five minutes ago. So, please, delurk today. I would love to find out if there is anyone actually reading my blog that I don't already know about. And even if I do, feel free to say hello. And delurk on the other blogs you read too. I bet they would appreciate a little comment love today.

Living in fear

So, I briefly addressed something in my last post. My anxiety. And since I haven't written about it much, I thought I would share a little about it.

I really didn't have a name for my issues until maybe the last four years. And as I look back to when I was little and as I grew up, I can see how it has manifested itself as I have grown. But I think right now is the worst it has ever been.

I've got a history of car accidents. Never the driver though. And being in a car can wreak all kinds of havoc inside my head. I am terrified. I freak out. I am grabbing onto things so that I won't die. Inside my head I can see our van with a side bashed in, my children unconscious in their seats......I really see this. Every time I drive past an accident I feel sick in my stomach. Once, on a freeway out here, I witnessed a van have a tire blow out, and it fell onto it's side. It had many small kids in it, and most of us on the freeway stopped and got out and helped the family out. I was so traumatized that I couldn't go and teach my piano lessons that day.

Getting on an airplane is terrifying. We were flying from DC to Germany and we had to fly through a snowstorm. It was like an earthquake in there for an hour. I was pregnant with Lucy, Andrew had just had his surgery at Walter Reed, and I truly thought that I was going to die. I was terrified. Now, just the thought of getting on a plane makes me sick to my stomach, and when someone in my family flies, I am worried about them until I know they have arrived.

Tornado warnings and watches in North Carolina were the absolute worst. I would search the skies every few minutes. I would pack our hall closet with water and our important papers. I wouldn't be able to sleep until the warning/watch had been expired. I would keep the TV on the news so that I could see continual updates on the weather. I couldn't read, eat, or focus on anything else until it had passed.

This drive across the United States was a little terrifying for me too. And last weekend when we were in Utah and the snow was just coming down like crazy. The parking lots and small areas were incredibly icy. My dad couldn't make it up the hill to my aunts house because of how much snow there was on the road. I was sick to my stomach.

And even just last night, I think I'm going crazy. I was going to run to Trader Joe's (oh wonderful Trader Joe's!!!) and Lucy was having a hard time that I was going to leave. It was bedtime and she was just freaking out. And inside my head I had thoughts, well, what if I don't come back? What if she's freaking out because she has some sixth sense that I'll get into an accident and I won't come back? On the way there I saw three police cars and that freaked me out too.

I tell you people, I am a basket case. As a little girl I was terrified of fireworks. I would do my best to stay up when we would drive to Utah (my dad always drove in the middle of the night. we would sleep instead of argue. and with six kids in the car.....) to make sure my dad stayed awake. I wouldn't do things all the time because I was scared. And it has gotten a lot worse as I have gotten older.

I am a mess people. An absolute mess. And we have moved several times, and I just never seem to have the time to find me someone that can help me with this. I've been laughed quite a bit over this. I was explaining some of this to someone once, and she said to me "well, have you talked to your Heavenly Father about this?" And while I am a religious person and have no problems doing so, I also believe he isn't going to help people that don't help themselves. I have to make an effort to help myself. I need to get to a doctor and maybe even get on medication. It is quite irritating to me to be in a religion where so many people think that just "praying, reading your scriptures and going to church" are going to fix incredibly complicated problems. When Matt flew back to NC last week, I told him to call me every time he had a layover and to call me when he got there so that I wouldn't be a bundle of nerves. I had actually prayed and asked for help so that I would be calm. I was much calmer than I have ever been, but I was SO GLAD when he called and said he was on the road and our friend had picked him up.

I remember watching A Beautiful Mind and watching him be terrified that someone was out to get him. (how accurate that move is, I don't really know, but....) Now I understand that fear, and how very real it is. No, I don't hear things or see people (thank goodness I'm not that crazy) but my fears are so real. Matt tries to help me laugh (like when there were tornado watches), he tries to help me see what is really happening, that we really are safe, but eventually gives up because there is just no helping me when I get to that point.

For this, and a few other possible depression related issues, I am DETERMINED to go and find help. I don't want to live like this. I don't want my kids to have a crazy mom. I don't want the rest of my life to be lived in fear. I want to be able to get on a plane and fly to Europe again without having to use the toilet every hour because my insides are sick. I want to be able to fall asleep in a car again and not jerk awake every time someone slows down or hits a bump in the road.

Why am I like this? I have no idea. If I could control it in anyway, I would. But I don't know how. I have a friend who has a daughter that "worries" a lot. And this friend has found her daughter a doctor to help her daughter with her anxiety. This little girl is only 10. And sometimes I wonder if I had gotten help for my anxieties when I was a little girl if I would be the mess of an adult that I am today. I don't think my parents knew enough about this sort of stuff. And my brother that REALLY needed help, they tried, but...anyway. Better late than never right?

So, now if someone shares that they are on paxil, zoloft, or wellbutrin or any other medication like that, I ask a lot of questions. What does it feel like? Does it help? Do you notice a difference on and off? And I can't wait to try something like them. I look forward to the day when I can sit as a passenger in a car and not freak out. To when I can get on an airplane and be relaxed. When it happens, I think I'll have a party. :)

Small gifts

I have anxiety issues. I really do. And I really think I need to go and get meds for them. I know what situations I need help with, and I do my best to warn those around me when I'm in those situations. Usually it has to do with my lack of control over things. Like the darn weather. Why can't it just be beautiful and sunny all the time????

So, apparently, there was an earthquake out here tonight. Sometime before 8pm. The last earthquake I was in was about five years ago, in the fourth floor of a hospital. I would not suggest being very high up in an earthquake. Anyway, it's been a while. Well, I didn't feel a thing. Not a thing. We're probably about 30 miles from the epicenter, and I didn't feel anything at all. I think I was in the middle of getting kids showered, bathed and jammied. And somehow in all that we missed it. Nothing shook, fell, or swung around here. I thought there might have been someone downstairs, but there wasn't anyone at all. And right now I'm grateful for small blessings. Because I probably would have totally freaked out and my kids would have freaked out because I was freaking out. I doubt this will happen every time. And the chances of us being in another earthquake while we're out here are pretty small. And now I just hope that if we do have another one, I'll have my meds.:)

Pin ups for vets

I saw this article today. And I think it's pretty cool that this girl is doing something using her "talents" to help these soldiers. And the fact that she hand delivers the ones that go to the soldiers in hospitals is pretty cool. Maybe I'll get one and have it sent to a soldier somewhere. What do you think?

Definitions

Yesterday, as I was helping my mom do stuff with her attic, and I was trying to get showered, I asked her if she still needed my help. She told me she would really prefer I go clean up my "mess" in the kitchen.

Earlier that morning, Lucy had spilled her milk on the table, the bench, and the floor. Which I cleaned up promptly. That was a mess.

The mess she was talking about was the skillet and lid that were clean and dried in one side of the sink. The other part of my mess were two bowls and spoons in the other side of the sink. And the placemat that Lucy had spilled on that I hadn't completely wiped off. I guess I got a little distracted cleaning up the REAL mess that I had forgotten to instantly transfer the barely dirty dishes into the dishwasher. You know, the imaginary mess. Oh wait. And I hadn't swept the floor the instant we were done eating dinner the night before. Such a travesty.

While this is her house, and she has every right to ask me to do things the way she likes it, reality is going to have to set in at some point. I will do my best to get those dishes in the dishwasher the second they are finished eating. I really will. But sometimes there are more important things. And not only that, I am easily distracted. So, I will just honestly forget that there are dishes in the sink. Oh well. At least my kids are putting their dishes in the sink. Cause who knows what she'd call that if they left their dishes on the table........

I feel the need

It is pretty late right now, but I feel the need to post something.

I know I keep going on and on about this whole move back home thing. And I am really going to try and make this one the last post about how overwhelming/mind exploding/paradigm shifting it has been.

It just is. Driving down these streets, seeing people, going to the grocery store, driving on a freeway.....is just so odd, so strange. Just being around people that have known me for more than a few months is strange. It will take some getting used to. It just might be a little fun though.

Things I am loving right now are: sun. Every day. Nice and bright. Love love it. My kids get to see their grandparents every day. I can see my best friend every week, and we're in the same time zone. I get to go to family gatherings. My mother is treating me a little more like an adult. Not much, but a little more than before.

Things I am not loving: not sharing a bed with my personal heater. Sure could use him in the house of never turning the thermostat above 68. I don't like that Matt is so far away. I don't like when my kids say 'I want my daddy' that I can't say 'he'll be home soon'. I don't like sleeping on a bed that I have to bend my legs just to fit in. (OK, I have to do that with every bed but my own fabulous cal king bed.) I don't like having to put every dish in the dishwasher the second you are done eating on it.

I'll get over some of this stuff soon. It is just so strange to me after having lived the military life for five years. And I come here and most people have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm going to get tired of having to explain things to people over and over again.

So, last post about how strange living here is. Promise. I will move on to the things that I've been wanting to post about, but just haven't. Now, I'm going to bed. And here's to hoping that Matt clears housing tomorrow without any problems.........

Fitting in

I thought by coming back to my "roots" I would somehow not have that transition time of finding my place. I thought that it would be really fast, that I would fit right in, and not have any of those "why did I move here" feelings. Well, I do.

I thought that because I knew how to get around, how to use the freeways, what places are the best places to shop and eat, already have a few friends, that I wouldn't have this I-don't-belong-here feeling. But I do.

Maybe because it's for a short period of time. Maybe because Matt isn't here with me. Not having my stuff (see previous post) here to help the transition. I almost (gasp) want to go back to North Carolina.

I guess in a week or so when Andrew has started school, when I've been to church, when I've been to see a few friends, and when all the stuff I brought with me has found a home I might feel better. But right now, it just sucks. Here's to hoping that these next six months goes by super fast.:)

Utah

Oh. My. Goodness. There is so much snow up here. My kids are in snow heaven. The only problem is we don't have much snow gear. Luckily I brought two pairs of shoes for each kid so they have one wet one and one that's dry.

So, I'm feeling a little like I'm in a twilight zone. Being in California and now in Utah, seeing people I haven't seen in at least five years is a bit crazy. My kids don't know anyone at all except my brothers and sisters, and we just met my brother in law and my sister in law. We saw most of my aunts and uncles last night, and my grandpa. It was a little crazy.

And after my marathon drive across the United States driving to Utah was cake. It was incredibly short and quick.

Matt is back with our house, and yesterday the movers came and went. And everything is gone and packed up. Now he gets to clean and study this whole weekend. Usually I'm the one that has to clean the fridge and the oven, so it's kind of a treat for me to not have to do it.

And Mary Alice, we did not get a hotel room for that last night. (ahem) We managed. But perhaps when he comes back for a weekend here and there we just might do it. And if not, there's always the floor.:)

Even though I'm not a fan of snow, the view out the windows here is pretty amazing. When my kids wake up they are just going to die. I have taken a few pictures of things and will post them when I find my USB cord.

This post is sure boring. But if I don't post fairly often, my fingers start itching to type something. So here is today's offering. Maybe the elevation is affecting my blogging.:)