AHHHHHHH!!!!

So, there I was, sitting calmly at the computer, talking to my sister when I see something move out of the corner of my eye. Normally, I see things moving that aren't there, so I was shocked to see that what I thought was moving was actually moving. And what was it?? A COCKROACH!!!!! ON MY CEILING!!!! AND IT FLIES!!!!!!! So, I'm freaking out on the phone to my sister, rummaging through all of my products to find anything aerosol with which to kill the nasty thing. Oh, by the way, it was over an inch long. Unfortunately for me, I haven't bought anything aerosol for a really long time. In fact, not since we've been in this house. Which means I have nothing other than the really expensive hairspray that I have. Well, that cockroach isn't getting my nice hairspray. I'm looking for something else. Shout spray gel perhaps?? Oxyclean spray for carpets?? My choices here are slim. I'm walking around the perimeter of my kitchen with my broom and a shoe. Terrified to try and knock it down just in case it flies and it flies at me. Wishing for the only time in my life that I were taller so that I could just squish it by reaching up to the ceiling. Wishing that Matt were awake so that he could do this. (I almost woke him up too. He would have been upset, and I kind of like him not being upset....) So, I gather my courage (I know, I'm a baby. I just hate killing these dumb things) and spray the oxyclean at it. It flies and lands on the door of my pantry. I start to feel sick thinking that nasty roach could get into our food. I am brave and spray it again. It goes to the very top of my cupboard where we only have a few boxes of things. And I don't remember the last time we ate anything out of them. I start knocking around the boxes with the broom hoping to scare it out so that I can spray it again, and then smoosh the life out of it. In pushing the boxes, I see it do a sort of back flip thing. I try and knock more boxes off trying to take away its hidey places. Nothing. No movement. I think I have succeeded at killing it. I hope. I'll let Matt know in the morning, and he'll have to take care of it. All I hope is that when he is deployed that I'll live somewhere where the roaches are few and small. None of this wing thing or being as long as my big toe. Yuck. The joys of living in the south and having 90% humidity.

Anxiety!!!!!!

So, I admit it. I've got it. In varying degree's depending on the situation. When I fly (or someone I know is flying) I start to get physically sick. If I'm flying, it gets really bad. I'm always going to the bathroom, I can't eat or sleep. I try to read, and I can't focus. When we've gotten tornado warnings, I start doing the same things. My heart starts to race, too. In a car (those of you who have had me as your passenger can attest to this) I really struggle. I start telling the driver to put on the brake. I start to grab onto anything I can, and I start to see pictures in my head of twisted metal, dead bodies in the road. I really feel as if I'm about to die.

When it comes to more every day things, cleaning and organizing are huge triggers. The other night, I had just come home from grocery shopping. I had gone to 3 different stores. And I needed to make dinner. It was so overwhelming to me. I could barely start it. My dinner ended up taking much longer than planned, and we had to have leftovers. My kitchen didn't even get cleaned up until the next day. Cleaning a bathroom is also a source of anxiety. I think mostly because as a kid, I never could do it right (according to someone else) and I am just grossed out by cleaning bathrooms in general, and so the fact that I can even do it now is a huge step. But it is still really hard. Cleaning out my car, doing almost anything from start to finish is difficult. I literally shut down.

Before, I just thought I was lazy, or cluttery, or messy. Mostly, my anxiety comes from things that I've had a bad experience (in 5 car accidents and never the driver, or flying through a snow storm and it felt like an earthquake for an hour) and then after that I have a hard time doing it.

Long story short: I NEED HELP!! And the best part is that I've started the process. I don't necessarily want to be on medication. But if that helps me, I'm willing. I hate that feeling of feeling like I'm going to die. I hate that almost choking feeling I get when I try and organize and clean up. (not every time, just the really big ones) I've made progress, but I need to find something, someway to do this better. I'm sure I'll post about any progress I make. But I feel better just knowing that I'll get help soon. I doubt that I'll ever be anxiety free (although wouldn't that be awesome!!!) but I could sure use less of it in my life.

So hot

Yesterday I wore this dress. And I love that dress. It has been almost 100 degrees here, with a really high percentage of humidity. So I have resorted to casual skirts and dresses because I need that circulation!! Someone even complimented me on my dress. I wish they made it more than one color.

My new favorite book

I've been listening to a book on CD called Without Offense. This is my new favorite book. I already love his other book How to Hug a Porcupine.

I've been listening to one CD about five times in a row. And they are just amazing. In Without Offense, Dr. Lund uses the teachings of Christ, the Book of Mormon and the Bible. In the Porcupine book, there are no such references. As I listen to the CD's, though, I am shocked. I think, why wasn't I ever taught this? Or maybe I was, and was just young and didn't get it. And I'm also shocked that so much is in the scriptures. And that I'm so clueless that I can't get all of this information by just reading them. I also think, do my parents really understand these things? Because some of these things were never taught at home. Of course, you'd have to read the book to understand what I'm talking about. But some of the things he talks about are mighty prayer, and what is needed to have a mighty prayer. Things like waiting for the spirit to prompt you before criticising someone. Things like taking your frustration to God, and your love to the person. These things I had no clue about. I've done so so many things wrong, and my bad habits are 30 years old. Change is stinking hard. But I've come a long way. Still working on not criticising someone until the spirit prompts me to, but I keep my mouth shut much better than I used to.

I don't want my kids to feel like I do at this age. I want them to know all of this and more. I want to practice it in my daily life so that not only am I teaching it, but I'm actually doing it. I wish I had found these books sooner. But at least my kids are small. And hopefully they won't remember the dumb things I did when they were little. Just the smart things I do when they are older......:)

Going Places

This months topic at the Write Away contest hosted by Scribbit. I might actually enter something this time. I've been meaning to for months.

What gives me a high

I don't get a high off of exercising. There are few things that I get those "feel good" endorphins from. This morning though, I was a little high.

I figured out what to do for Andrews' teacher and the aide. And I took pictures, but still working on what the problem is with uploading pics. I was so abnormally creative for me. And I was so excited about it, it lasted for hours!!!

As I was looking for the things I needed this morning, I saw my scrapbooks and my scrapbook supplies. I haven't done my books for at least 18 months. Kind of sad. This has been because last year while Matt was in school, there was just no way that it was possible. Our house in San Antonio was small, and my kids were with me all the time. This year is better, but after last year, I still am not ready to start doing it again. So, maybe after our next move we'll be in a better place for me to scrap....or maybe blogging is just taking up my time instead.:)

Dumb Electricity

So, I had great plans for today. I was going to be productive. I was going to exercise, read my scriptures, declutter at least two areas, do laundry, and figure out something to give to Andrews teachers tomorrow. Then, my electricity went out. Which means in the very humid heat we had no A/C. Not knowing how long it would be out, I didn't dare open our freezer or fridge so that any cold air would stay put. I couldn't vacuum, and the load that I had started not ten minutes before the electricity went out, would just have to sit there until it came back on. I ended up going to a friends house (whose house is normally like a walk in freezer) to hang until mine came back. It came back on right before Andrew got out of school. And at that point, all I had accomplished was exercising and putting a load of wash in for it to just sit there. Sigh. This is the second time it has gone out here. I did manage to make a new recipe for dinner tonight. Which every one ate except for Lucy. (I thought it was pretty good)

So, tomorrow is Andrew's last day of school. Am I a bad parent if I don't get the teacher and the aide anything? I really don't know what to get them. I hardly know them, and I've kind of had a stinky attitude the whole time about it. I mean, we're going to move again in six months, so why get involved with a school that I'm not going to be at for at least three years? I think I would feel differently if we were going to be here for much longer. So, I don't know. We thought of making them cookies, but that didn't happen today, and I don't know if it will happen tomorrow. I kind of feel like a really lame parent for doing nothing. I guess this is our first experience with "school" so maybe I'll get better at this next year.