Saturday night, I went to the PX by myself just to be by myself. I went to the north PX because that one has better clothes than the south one. I had found a few shirts and went to try them on.
We have never had a full length mirror in our house. I've wanted one, but finding a place for it, and we move a lot doesn't really make it an easy thing. So, I rarely see myself from head to toe. The mirror in my little changing room was odd, so I walked out to look at the big one. And I saw what others see on a regular basis. It was kind of a shock. I have struggled a lot of my life with being unhappy about how I look. I also didn't dress well for most of my life (for many reasons, which I won't go into) and I never really knew how to do my hair or put on the right makeup. I just turned 30, and I'm just now learning how to do that stuff. So, now, I have learned how to put on makeup, I've learned how to dress my way too long legs and short torso, I've learned how to do my hair. It was amazing to look in that mirror. That was why I was shocked.
I am not as rolly around my middle as I thought I was. I am also not as large as I thought I was (I think the dark wash capri's helped that one). And my face and hair looked really good. Since that night, I have walked with more confidence. And I feel better about how I look. Even if I don't put on makeup or do my hair. Even when I'm getting in the shower and I see myself in the mirror without my clothes on. It hasn't been so hard to look at.
The hard part of this is that people in the past would ask me if I had lost more weight, or that I looked so skinny (I had a friend call me up and ask me if I wanted a pair of her pants that were too long. I asked what size and she said 2. What??? I don't think I ever wore a size 2. I am a good size 10, and should never wear a size 2) or just whatever people say that you just don't believe. I got so tired of that because they couldn't see me naked and see all my flaws. And when people couldn't believe I was a size 10 I would have to point out the fact that I am SIX FEET TALL. I weigh around 150 pounds. I have weighed 135 pounds at this height, and I was literally a sack of bones with some skin. I looked sick. (I kind of was, but that will have to wait for another post)
So, just that quick look in the mirror has really changed how I see myself every day. I don't want to go back to what I felt before. I want to keep going down the path of self discovery. I like it. I don't want to be old and unhappy and upset. I want to be old, happy, still working on being a better me.
11 hours ago