As I mentioned earlier this week, Matt's dad was in town for a business trip. He has come over a few times, and played with the kids. He had dinner here Sunday, and the kids have enjoyed have a grandpa to play with.
Before Matt and I got married, I found out some interesting things about his parents. (and I'm not even telling you everything, just the bare bones details) Both of them have been married several times. And Matt's grandma, his dads mom, has also been married at least four times. His mom is in the process of I believe her 4th divorce. It could be her 5th. I'm not sure. His dad is going on 10 years of marriage with his 4th wife, who is also 20 years younger than he is. Matt has a little half sister that is about 9 months older than Andrew. Matt's mom was also married to a man that was 6 months younger than her daughters husband, but as I already said, they are now getting a divorce.
Now, (please do not try and think I'm comparing and then saying my family life is better, just different. OK, so you can argue that it was better, BUT, that's not the point of my post) my parents just had their 30th wedding anniversary. Both of my grandparents were married for 50 years, and out of all my aunts and uncles, only one of them has ever gotten a divorce, and she has never remarried.
Coming from that type of a family, and joining Matt's was not easy. It has always been difficult for me to really understand and get past all of my hangups about it. There is only one person that I can talk to about it and feel like she is understanding me and is willing to also be honest with me. Its Matt's oldest sister. She has been very helpful to me since we've been married. Whenever I have had a questions (usually its been why and what???) she has listened, understands where I'm coming from, and does her best to explain. I feel safe with her.
So, I have tried to bring up the fact of my discomfort and lack of understanding of the family situation. I have now brought it up at least two times, possibly three. I realized today what I was looking for. The response that I was looking for was "I can see how that would be hard coming from your family background" or something along those lines of trying to see it just a little from my perspective. Each time the actual response I get is usually an explanation of why he/she has been married so many times, I was too young, or She would always threaten me with divorce, He never provided for us financially......So, I have now given up.
I know that I will probably never get that response from them. And now that's OK. I thought that I needed it, but the reality is that I don't. It would be really nice if I did. After being involved with this family now for 6 years, I think time will be the best thing for me to help me understand the whys and the whats.
Oh, and grandpa leaves tomorrow early in the morning, so his visit is done. And my parents will be here in little over a week (AHHHHH!!!!!) as they are going to watch my kids while I am at girls camp. The good part about that is that I will be gone the majority of the time that they are here and that lessens the chances of any issues with my mother. Always look on the bright side, right????
The Copper Scrolls
2 days ago
5 comments:
I don't think it is every easy to mesh two people's worlds when you get married, let alone two people who come from such different worlds.
The good thing is that you don't really have to understand why all of the divorces took place. Nor do you have to try and understand why your parents stayed together (which is a mystery to me).
In the end you have to determine what is decent for you and Matt, and what your limits are in regards to your relationship. You get to determine what makes for your happy marriage and what makes for your unhappy marriage.
I believe divorce is an option but one that doesn't seem to be used for the right reasons all the time. Lately people (especially those in the public) seem to use divorce the way you might choose to dye your hair 'Um, it's just not working for me anymore and I want to try something different'. Being divorced three or four or five times shows either 1) an inability to choose partners who fit you well as a person and instead following a pattern and/or 2) an inability to commit or lack of commitment through the hard times. I would find it hard to believe someone who told me they got divorced for other reasons....
I am sorry... that has got to be tough! Hang in there. :)
You've been married 6 years!!!
Dealing with families is difficult, no matter what. My H and I both come from "functional" families that are still practically opposite, even though all the "things" about them are the same...all married to their original spouse, we each have 5 siblings...still things they tend to be enmeshed about my family is disengaged on.
The hardest thing is finding appropriate boundaries & communicating them! *hugs*
Good luck!
Meshing families is not an easy thing to do. My husband and I have just found we have to set boundaries and then we just have to accept we are all different.
Hang in there! I hope it will get better. I liked It's Just Me's advice.
Post a Comment