Hole

This past Sunday, I found myself in a hole. A very dark, deep, hole. The phrase "in the depths of despair" comes to mind, although Anne was rarely actually in complete despair.:)

That morning, I had made a pretty darn good breakfast for the three of us. Scrambled eggs with cheese, bacon (the smell of which always makes me feel like a ten year old at my grandma's house), and banana oatmeal pancakes, and orange juice. Usually, we are a cereal for breakfast family. Anyway, while they were playing the morning away (we have late church) I was sitting at the computer, contemplating not going to church. I really did not want to. But we still went.

As always, getting out the door was a bit of a difficulty.

Got through church, and came home. Still could not figure out what my problem was. The kids were being kids. After we had a difficult bedtime (always a bit of a power struggle with that independent soul that is my daughter) I started going through my checklist of the usual reasons why I was feeling so down. I mean, I fleetingly considered packing up and going to my parents house so that they could take care of my kids for a while and I could just crawl somewhere and well, hide. So, down the checklist I went: reading scriptures daily check. saying my prayers check. going to the gym check. seeing the sun check. (the sun had been out for four days!!!) been productive check. (a friend had come and helped me get a ton done earlier that week and I was loving how my house was looking). And then I realized what it was. My journal.

I went and found it. It had been more than two weeks since I had written.

I then sat down and wrote. And wrote and wrote and wrote. 13 pages later, I felt like I had climbed out of my hole. And felt a million times lighter.

I wrote about so much stuff. About how I feel about all these people around me getting pregnant. About the valentines email I got from my husband. About a ton of other things. It was amazing.

note to self: write in your journal every few days so you don't go down the crazy path of considering moving in with your parents.

A must read (well, at least I think so)

I read this blog post this morning. I thought it was fantastic.

My favorite part was the comment about balance. I am a big fan of balance, moderation, keeping your expectations realistic. Anyway, feel free to share any thoughts you have there or here. Would love to hear them. I would also highly suggest you read through the comments. They do not all agree with her, but bring up their points very respectfully.

And another must read from a friend I know IRL (in real life). My friend Emily wrote this. I love it. I have often thought of turning off this blog, of taking off any and all profiles from anywhere. It goes back to the whole moderation thing. Balance. Anyway, just some of my thoughts this Monday.

Our Monday is a beautiful sunny day here. The last we will have a for a while. I am going to do my best to take advantage of it. I hope it is sunny chez toi. And if it isn't, make it a sunny one.

Real or not?

A few days ago, on facebook, a friend had put in her status update something about praying for those doing real army stuff, and hoped that they were safe. (please note that my quotation marks key on my keyboard is broken, hence the different color instead of quotation marks.)

It got me thinking. Granted, I have no idea what she meant by that phrase. She could have just meant those soldiers that were deployed. (And I did not ask for clarification. I have tried to not comment on those status updates that bother me for whatever reason. Facebook home pages are rarely the right place to have a discussion about this sort of stuff) But then, I got to thinking about what else she could have meant, those soldiers actually doing army stuff by going out, doing raids, clearing bombs, shooting big guns (or small ones), flying planes or helicopters and all those sorts of things. Not to mention Special Forces, or Delta Force, or Rangers, or Green Berets. And when I was thinking about that, it kind of bothered me.

I rarely care what someones job is within the Army (or whatever branch they happen to be in). I think that if it is a job in the Army, it is real army stuff. And if they are deployed, then they are doing real Army stuff. No matter if they are in support or not. If the computer satellite guys don't do their job, not only do the soldiers not have the internet, but the higher up guys don't have any way to communicate either. If the doctors and surgeons, nurses, physicians assistants, and any other medical job other than a medic weren't there, these soldiers wouldn't be coming home to their families. (Medics rock though. They are out there with the soldiers and keep them stabilized so that the docs and others can do what they need to do.) If the guys that do finance, or the engineers or any other kind of support job weren't there, how would the guys doing real army stuff do theirs?

My grandpa was in the Navy during WWII. He never shot a gun. He was on an aircraft carrier and was an airplane mechanic. He was in charge of one airplane, and making sure it was in good working order so that when that pilot needed to go, his plane was safe and ready. I am sure that pilot was glad to have my grandpa there to keep his plane running well.

We have made many friends in the Army. Friends that are Special Forces, Green Berets. Friends that do the computer side of things. Friends that are nurses, doctors, physicians assistants. People that fly helicopters, people that are medics. And really, it does not matter one bit. As long as they do their job the best they can, they are doing real army stuff.

So, am I going to go back and comment on her status? Nope. No point in doing it. Both our husbands are deployed, and both are doing real army stuff. And that is the end of that.

Just real quick

I have all of a few minutes to post something.

I am so busy this week.

I do not like being busy. Yes, it does make time seem to move faster. Yes, be anxiously engaged etc...... I still do not like it.

Part of the reason why I don't like it is because I am alone. There is no one that will do the dishes so that I don't have to because I have to find some preschool worksheets to print off. There isn't anyone else to help my son do his homework, or give them baths, or even watch them so that I can fulfill my responsibility at church. There isn't even anyone to tell me to relax, it will be just fine.

This is the crap part of deployment.

I tell myself this is not permanent, and that in a few months, this will all be over an done with. But then those few months seem like an eternity. And I feel so overwhelmed that I would rather just sit down and not get up for a while.

I hate these feelings. But they come. And they go. And then they come again. I guess it is all in how you deal with them. Do I sit down and whine and complain, or do I take a deep breath and start working on those treat bags for the preschool valentines party tomorrow? Well, first I write a blog post about it. And then take a deep breath and start getting things done.

Saturday mind dump

I LOVE clearance sales at Walmart. I rarely will buy my kids clothes there unless it is on the clearance rack. $3 pjs are not something I can walk past.

I LOVE when I find meat marked down. I hate spending a lot of money on meat, and got three packages of tenderloin chickens for $3.15 each. Someday, I hope to afford organic meat. But until then, I will go for the marked down chicken.

I LOVE the day old breads. Because there is nothing wrong with them, and they are almost half of the original price.

I LOVE the new toy box I just got for the kids. I love it because I got it off of craigslist. And I love it because I bought it from the person that built it.

I LOVE that I have my computer back. The keyboard is falling apart, and the DVD drive is shot. But I get to look for a new one. Since I have a giant external hard drive, I don't need much storage space nor do I need a lot of bells and whistles. The kids will get this one until it dies.

I LOVE that the sun was out today for a while. It was so nice! And above 50 degrees!!

I LOVE that my husband put a poem he had written for me to music and that I can listen to him sing to me anytime I want. Especially love it when I have my MP3 player at the gym, and while I am doing my crunches, he comes on.

I LOVE that my husband emailed and not only got permission to bless and pass the sacrament on the new FOB he is on, but because he took the initiative to do so is now the group leader where he is. Granted, there are maybe 4 other guys there. But that doesn't matter. I just imagine four guys in ACUs getting together in one of their rooms and blessing and passing the sacrament and having their own little church together.

I LOVE my husband.:)

I LOVE that my kids rooms are more organized and picked up than they have ever been.

I LOVE that Heavenly Father answers prayers. I have had two answered so quickly recently. To me, they were miracles.

I LOVE friends that tell me that they miss me (or really, our family:)) because we are so awesome.

I LOVE that the dress I was contemplating buying for my brothers wedding this summer just went on sale. I think it is a sign that I need to buy it.

I LOVE writing in my journal. I always feel so much better.