Figuring it all out

I recently read something in one of my favorite books about our self-worth. This is what it said:

Self-worth is a combination of the positive and negative messages we received while growing up and the conclusions we draw from all those messages. When children are constantly criticized, and consistently given nonacceptance messages, they become convinced they are of little worth. Acceptance, approval, recognition, and self-actualization are basic human needs. When a person is denied these needs, the need for validation is at war with the nonacceptance and nonapproval messages. The conflict translates into a resentment for those sending the toxic messages and the belief that maybe the nonacceptance messages are warranted. Believing you are capable is replaced by doubt, fear, and believing that you are incapable. Doubt and fear of adequacy, worth, value, or desirability of association creates an inward focus. Tolerance for any criticism is eliminated. Even when justified, necessary, and appropriate, there is a hypersensitivity to any criticism. (pg 187-188 in How to Hug a Porcupine by Dr. John Lund)

This paragraph, in a very general way, explains my relationship with my mom. And it also explains why I always treated my friends better than my family. And why I had the friends I did. They fulfilled the need for acceptance and approval. As a child, I must have heard a lot of these nonacceptance messages. I still get them, but because I live far away, I don't hear them as much. I also have a better idea of how to respond to them too, but that is a different subject.

As I read this the other night, I thought about how I treat my kids. How many nonacceptance messages am I sending each day? Am I sending enough acceptance messages to counteract the negative ones? And a big question is do I want my kids to feel the way I do about my mom when they are my age? The answer is a huge big fat NO!

The big problem is, how do I change my behavior? Because we all know that we do what our parents did. I am determined to change it. My problem was, before a year ago, I really didn't know what the problems were, and what I could do to change them. I got the above mentioned book after a huge crisis with my mom, and it was amazing. So many things he discussed, I had experienced them personally with my mother, and with others in my life. Like one of my missionary companions who was a complete freak. Treated me so badly. Was so glad when she transferred. This book really helped me understand what my problems were, where they came from, and showed me the way to fixing them.

I am a religious person. And I truly believe what we need lies in the scriptures. The problem is, even when I do have the time to read, ponder, and discuss with others, sometimes I still don't get it. I can read it, but I have to have books like this help me understand what exactly it means to "reprove with sharpness" or "honor they father and they mother" or even "love thy neighbor". I have gotten it sometimes with some scriptures, but these ones were so elusive to me. They seem so simple, yet my simple brain couldn't grasp them. Or I just wasn't spiritually in tune at the time of reading them to really understand.

Now, lest you misunderstand, I am not claiming to be a victim. Yeah, things were done that shouldn't have been done and said. Nothing I can do now to change that. Now that I am an adult and I can see things clearer than I could when I was still living at home, I can make the changes needed. Things like this are not usually cold turkey. No, I count my progress in the fewer times I fall into the pit of the old behaviors that were toxic. Doing my best to not be irritated at little things. Not throwing guilt around like it was confetti on New Years. And so many other things like filtering my thoughts before they come out of my mouth, or before I react adversely, giving myself some time to think about it and figure it out. Obviously I'm not good at any one of these things, but I'm getting better. My goal is to become the best, most emotionally safe person I can be.

The first time it was pointed out to me that I exhibited these types of behaviors was in the MTC. My companion heard something that I had said to the rest of the district, and she looked at me and said "you know, you could be nicer". It was like a shock to my system. Nicer??? The more time I spent away from my family, I realized things about myself and my behavior. And it wasn't so good. I tried to fix it by filtering my thoughts more, trying to keep my mouth shut or maybe say what I wanted in a nicer way. So, technically, I have been working on this for nine years. Still hadn't gotten at the root of the problem. But now I think I have found it, and it has been amazing what this knowledge has done for me. I am more aware of my behavior towards others, and especially towards my children and my husband. And in so many other situations. I am still Me, but a better one. At least that's what I'm shooting for.

I wrote this post mostly for me to help see clearly what my goals are. But it also goes well with what I was tagged with by MommyK. To think differently about something in your life.

Here are the rules for this meme:
Write a new blog post about thinking differently.
State that the post is a part of the Think Different Challenge and include a link and/ or trackback to this post so that readers know the rules of the challenge. Feel free to use the above banner (inspired, of course, by Seth Godin).

Include a link and/ or trackback to the blogger who tagged you.
At the end of your post, go ahead and tag some fellow bloggers. Don’t forget to let them know they have been tagged.
Sit back and enjoy reading peoples’ responses to the challenge.

MommyK wrote about her one and only resolution for 2008. I tag Shell, Emily and Lei.