C'est fini

I have been thinking these last few days. I've been driving a lot, so I've had a lot of time to think.

And here is what I've decided: it's time to say good bye to this blog.

My reasons are many. The biggest reason is that this is no longer a safe place for me. It used to be safe. Then a little more than a year ago, it became really unsafe. (And really, I did all I could to keep it safe.) And even though I've kept it up for a while, I am getting tired of it. It hasn't been easy. But I've done fairly well. I've kept many of my thoughts to myself, and really, this past year would have been a great time for me to have a safe blog to come to. I could have used it.

If you don't know how it became unsafe, feel free to go into my archives to about a year ago. Check out the comments on some of the posts. You're welcome to go even further and read about my frustrations, my attempts to understand, and ultimately my shock at how a father treats his son (and his wife) when we don't solve his problems for him. And I shared those things on this blog because I believed that it was safe. I like to write in my journal, and I did write pages and pages, but some days I just did not have that kind of time. I can type much faster than I can write, so many times my anger, frustrations, and venting, all came here. There were times that what I wrote may not have been appropriate. But, it is done, and I can't change it.

I have learned quite a bit from this experience. Next time I have a blog, it will be anonymous. Also, I've learned that doing the Christ like thing is to allow people to have the consequences of their choices. Christ didn't solve every one's problems. He didn't make them go away. I mean, the only way we learn and grow, is to have the natural consequences. Even a little baby gets that. They bump their heads enough times on a coffee table, they start to figure things out. Another thing I have learned is that when I clearly define my boundaries, I am much happier.

So good bye blog friends. It was a nice time.

{if you would like to follow me if/when i set up another blog, please leave me a comment with your email address and i can send you a link. comments will be moderated and not posted so your email will be safe. thanks}

Dum dum da dum

So, it's a Friday night, and like always, I'm at home watching TV. I scroll through the shows that are on, and the only thing that I can handle is Say Yes to the Dress. So, I start watching. And what do I start thinking about? My own wedding.

Back then, I could have cared less about so many little details. But before we get to what I wasn't so fond of, here are a few things that I loved:

I loved loved loved my flowers. A lady at church did them. They were awesome. They were perfect. Another great part of them was that my mother in law offered to pay for them. Totally unexpectedly, so that was very nice.

I LOVED my centerpieces. I wanted a beachy theme, and these fit in perfectly. I saw the idea in some wedding magazine that I can't remember. I happened to work for an industrial sales company at the time, and I ordered my galvanized buckets and my sand from them. And then the owner wouldn't let me pay for them. My mom and I searched high and low for these thin taper candles. She finally found them at some little shop in Dana Point.

I really liked my dress. My mom made it, and put on the beading. At first, I didn't want a veil, but I gave in. I found my tiara myself.

(Not the best scan.)
And yes, I did wear flip flops. I did my best to find some sparkly ones, but because I have giant feet, it was pretty tricky. So, I found these ones and sat and glued sequins on them. I didn't want to wear high shoes. Not to mention we got married in the summer in Southern California....yeah, hot. (And in a lot of my pictures, I find that my posture wasn't all the great. Why didn't someone tell me to stand up straight???)



My mom made the cake. The shells are all chocolate, and the sand is light and dark brown sugar. The topper was the Los Angeles temple, which I think I would have changed. My mom had suggested it, and not having any better ideas, we just went with it.

Other things that I liked: I love Jelly Bellys, and we had bowls of them everywhere. Because it was so hot, we had my aunt and uncle bring their snow cone supplies and we had snow cones. I think they were a big hit! I know it sounds funny, but when it's 90 degrees outside.....cake just doesn't cut it. Something that I didn't appreciate at the moment, mostly because of how it was handled, but ended up being glad that I had, was the photographer situation. I had gotten a photographer. My mother in law had mentioned that her niece was a photographer too. This niece lived in Georgia. I think. Anyway, I then said that I already had one. Well, they ended up flying her out anyway. And I had no idea until that day. Which kind of ticked me off a bit. Hello, it is my wedding! Now, almost 9 years later, I am glad I had both photographers there. They both had their different skills, and each got things that the other didn't get.

There are quite a few things I would change. First, our announcements. And, our engagement pictures. There wasn't anything wrong with them at all. We didn't have a ton of money to spend, and they worked. If it were now, I would have hired a professional photographer and would have ordered our announcements instead of piecing them together ourselves.

I would not have had any bridesmaids. Less stress. Less money. Less flowers. Less. And less is always more. And if we didn't have any bridesmaids, no groomsmen. Again, less.

I would not have had a receiving line. Such a waste of time.

I would have had dancing. I don't know how we would have done that in my parents backyard, but I would have made it happen.

I also would have been a little more involved with things rather than leaving a lot of the details to my mom. I was working full time at the time, and teaching piano lessons. I had come home from my mission to France only a few months before and was kind of oblivious to a lot of things.

It was fun to get out these pictures. I haven't looked at them for a long time.

So, what about yours? What would you change? What would you keep the same??

Protecting myself

I know we've all heard the phrase "that which does not kill you makes you stronger". In high school, I thought it was funny. I don't think I really understood it.

I have found that phrase to be very true. I went on a mission for my church. There were days that I thought I would not survive it. When I thought I would lose my mind because of one crazy companion. Or that I could not handle anymore rain. Or having to deal with elders (male missionaries) that thought they were superior to me and would try to walk all over me just because they had the priesthood and I didn't. Or even because they were male. I mean, seriously.

Anyway.......

The point of all that was to say that I survived all of it, and it made me stronger. I've gone through many other things since then that have also strengthened me.

In that last few years, I feel like I've had darts being thrown at me. Darts full of poison, meant to disable me completely so that I would be under the dart throwers control. The first few don't really hurt. You don't even know what the heck is going on. And then the tenth, and then the twentieth hit. And you start to realize what is going on.

Well, once I realized those darts were hitting me, I started pulling them out. I had to duck and dodge other darts that were coming at me while I was pulling these other ones out. It wasn't easy. Sometimes I wanted to give up, but I kept plugging away. Once I got all of them out, I put on some body armor. I was only able to put on a piece at a time. Sometimes I would still get hit with a dart. Eventually I got the whole body armor on.

The darts keep coming. I'm pretty sure they will never stop. What the thrower of the darts doesn't understand, and will probably never get, is that I have body armor on. I am protected. I know what those darts are full of, and there is no way that any of them will ever get me again. Never ever. And the crazy part is, the body armor is getting stronger. It's almost got it's own force field on top of the body armor. The longer I have it on, the stronger it gets, and soon, the darts don't even come anywhere near me. I can still see them. I remember what it was like to get hit by them. But I'm stronger now. They can't hurt me anymore. The body armor allows me to walk away, with my back to the dart thrower. Because even though there are still darts coming at me, they don't even matter. There are other battles for me to fight, more important battles, using this new amazing body armor that I have on.

(Do you like my metaphor? I kind of dig it.)

Ache

I am absolutely aching to do something. Aching.

But every part of me that is working so hard on achieving more self control is telling me NO!! Don't do it!

Trying so hard to listen. Trying to find other ways to channel this energy. Trying to not give in to this almost overwhelming desire to give in. Ugh.

Thank goodness for my appointment tomorrow.

I want to dance for joy!!!

Why?? Because it is finally JUNE!!! Which means summer. Which means sun. Warmth.

June also means a few other happy things.

~Schools out for the summer!! (anyone else sing that in their head?? I always get flashbacks to watching my husband play guitar hero world tour on the Wii.) Getting up early is not my favorite thing to do. Nor do I enjoy pushing him to get his homework done, working on our spelling words or getting his reading done. While we will still be reading (have you heard about Borders reading program this summer?? Read 10 books, bring in your list, and get a free book!! Yay!! Free books are always awesome!!)(ok, just spent way too much time looking for a link. I think you should just check your local Borders.) it won't be as torturous for the both of us.

~Like I said already, the sun comes out and it is supposed to be summer. At least in the parts of the world that are closer to the equator. It is slightly warmer here, with less downpours of rain. But instead of downpours, there are days where it just sort of drips from the sky. Which is slightly better than before.

~But on the horizon is a trip to the sun!!! There was a big family event that was supposed to happen this month but things have changed. That family event isn't going to happen, but I will be going to a few other family events. I think all six of us kids will be together for the first time since my grandfather died a little over three years ago. I will get to hang out with my sisters and brothers, my kids get to be with their aunts, uncles and cousins, grandma's and grandpa (not to mention the multitude of cousins and aunts and uncles that I have). We'll get to see old friends, eat my favorite food (In-n-out, El Pollo Loco, Baja Fresh, and La Tolteca here I come!!) A stop at our favorite (and the cheapest one we've found) health food store. And one of the most glorious things of all is having stores around the corner and down the street rather than driving twenty minutes through the forest just to get to the closest Target. Oh and the BEACH!! A real one, with waves, wind, and warm sun. No smelly Puget Sound water that just sits there. (Although at some times of the year is quite nice and beautiful. Guess I'm not a Puget Sound kind of girl.)

~Did I mention the sun?

~This month, something has finished. And boy does it feel good that it is done.

~We are getting even closer to the end of this deployment!! Hooray! Between our road trip, plus a few visits from friends and family, the time will go by quickly, and he'll be home. And then lots of family time for us!!

So, June means a lot for me. Anyone else happy it's summer???

What are you doing?

Today is Memorial Day. What are you doing to remember those that have gone?

Go to Cnn.com and search "honoring the fallen" and watch soldiers place flags at every headstone in Arlington Cemetery. Watch the National Memorial Day Concert on your local PBS station. Go buy flags or flowers and go to your local cemetery and find those headstones that look a little lonely, that haven't had any love, and leave something there. Or go here and see the faces of those that have died in Iraq and Afghanistan. I found one there, that I kind of knew. His name was Duncan. His mom called me when I was the Relief Society president in San Antonio. His wounds were terrible. His very young wife was also there.

Two years ago, when we were at Fort Bragg, we spent the day with some friends. We went and got some flowers and went to the Fayetteville cemetery and laid flowers. There were many confederate flags, there were even some grave stones from the 1700's. It was a great experience. All my family would do on Memorial Day weekend was go camping. I would like to teach my children the real reason they get a few days off of school, and that dads and moms get days off.

Enjoy your day.

Almost done

Lots of times on facebook, I read about wives who are expressing sadness and a little desperation when they talk about how their husband is leaving for a few days. Or maybe a week or two. Or that the wives are leaving, and how much they will miss their husband.

On good days, I can just scroll right past it and not let it bother me. On OK days, it bothers me, but I can still scroll past it, and I can let it go. On bad days, it is all I can do to not leave a comment that says something like "cry me a river" or "suck it up". Or something even more unkind like "well, if he's not in a war zone, I'm sure it will all be fine".

I try so hard to realize that these people have never experienced anything like what I am going through. I also try to remember that we are all so different, with our own different challenges and personal struggles. Not to mention that facebook is such a teeny tiny part of that persons life or day.

Right now, I can see the light at the end of this year long tunnel. Every day it gets brighter. My worry is no longer "if I can make it through the year" but "I hope I don't kill him during the transition". In talking to the woman in charge of our Battalions FRG leaders (which from now on I am just going to call our FRSA) she says that there are studies that have been done that say that the transition after deployment is actually more difficult than deployment. It was hard last year after he had only been away from us for four months. I can only imagine how fun it is going to be this time around......

But regardless, it will be so great to have him home. My kids need their dad. And, I'm going to be honest here, I need my husband. It is hard work being the only person to get things done. I could probably handle just the household stuff, but I have to take care of the vehicles, the yard, the house, the bills......anyway, just everything. And because I'm not superwoman, things fall through the cracks. I'm looking forward to going out with him on dates. To having someone to talk to in the evenings. To simpler things like getting to hold his hand, to reach over and touch him! Even the things that irritate me, like the noises he makes in the morning, or him leaving his bike stuff all over the place.

About a month before he left, I had somewhat of a melt down. I just laid on our bed and cried and cried. Just the thought of being alone for a year was so overwhelming to me, especially after we had only been together for a few months after he had been gone for four months. He came in and just held me and let me cry. And now, here we are...almost to the end.......thank goodness.